In my last post I wrote about how I related to Tris because of her angst... in the book she is dealing with first love and trying to find her place in her world. In the book Tris feels she has to make one choice and follow it wholeheartedly, but because she is Divergent she has multiple paths and that is how life is. Thankfully (and sometimes not so thankfully) we all have multiple paths.
I am grad-school and I am almost at the end. I hopefully have one more semester... though I feel I have said this a few times because I had to delay my thesis a few times. This has given me time to think of what I want to do with my life.
When I was in high school I wanted to be Abigail Chase, Diane Kruger, character in National Treasure. She was a confident, and though she was a history nerdy girl she was was also very sexy. Also, she knew everything about everything, which was cool. For like split second I thought about doing Political Science but then I realized I loved history and escaping into the past. So I decided to pursue history in undergrad. I moved to Boston, on an almost gut reaction, because from almost the moment I visited it felt like it was home. Plus it didn't hurt that it was one of the most historical cities in the US. And basically minus the really cold winters and spells of homesickness I love Boston and I have been blessed with a second family here.
Now I am grad-school, and thinking about my future I often wonder if this path I chose going into library science and history is what I am suppose to be doing. For awhile I thought about leaving everything I know and going on missions. But the more time I thought about it, it didn't feel right. I had a passion for it but over time I lost it and sometimes I feel I have no idea what to do...
Sometimes, it scares me because I am usually a person with a five year plan, but I feel my five year plan has changed a few times. Right now I am embracing I don't have a plan, because right now I can hide behind the idea of just working on my thesis. I can put off real life and trying to be an adult. I guess this why I relate to Tris... she is still trying to make decisions of her life and figure things out. Fortunately for me I am not also trying to fight a corrupt government (thank goodness).
Even though I am trying to figure things out I am glad I have some solid things to hang on to. I have my family, my second family, my friends, my faith... all these things have held me up and held me together and I a thankful for those. Also I am glad to figure out that like Tris we don't have one path and one choice.
So I love my birthday, not because of the gifts, but because it means my friends (from all the different parts of my life) get together and it is lots of fun. I have had some friends that have been in my life for a long time so we have lots of birthday memories together (LOVE!). This year has been no different very memorable...
niece, sister, nephew and I
First lets go back to last Friday when I flew to my mom's house in the desert of California. We have had a very long winter here in Boston so it was nice to pull out my summer clothes and feel the very warm sun on my skin. Though it was mother's day my mom treated me to mother daughter pedicures and the woman giving me a pedicure asked "you're so pale where are you from?" "Boston," I said though being of Irish and English descent I will never be dark. My mom basically spoiled me for the week treating me to good dinners out and one of my favorite meals (Stuffed green peppers). She bought me some new cute shoes and a relaxing week (a massage, a few strawberry margaritas, and other treats). While the treats were good it was great to spend the week with my sister, niece and nephew. Also my Grandma made me dinner at her house and bought me my favorite cake (German Chocolate). So thanks mom and step-dad for the awesome treat of that week...
Awesome auntie time
with step-dad
Then when I got back to Boston I had a great dinner with some of my good girl friends where I got a some
bookish things and a Starbucks gift card. Then today I received a one year subscription to Netflix. Books, coffee and movies... my friends know me so well. Okay, I know I started out this post saying I don't care about the gifts and I really don't...a co-worker asked me "what I wanted?" and I couldn't think of anything. I feel so blessed that I can't think of anything I want. It is not about the gifts it is about having friends and family that I know that will love and support me.
However, I don't want anything materialistically my friend asked me at dinner "What is one thing I want to do this year?" And my answer is to finish my thesis and FINALLY graduate grad-school. I can't imagine my life not being a student but I sure would like to.
Here are some memorable birthdays since moving to Boston...
From top left down:
21st birthday dinner with friends and Dad, then getting baptized the next day... great to have dad for both occasions
Going to my first Red Sox game and it being Lester's no hitter
Graduating college a few days before my 23rd birthday.
It wasn't really for my birthday but my bible study went to Rochester, NY for the Lilac festival and it was around my birthday time so I remember it as my 24th birthday
Doing Karaoke for my 25th birthday
Birthday party to help me raise support to go to Honduras
Last year going to Newport with my mom and seeing the beautiful mansions.
Spring has FINALLY come to Boston, as winter felt painfully long, I have never had a green thumb, but I do love flowers starting to bloom. Since moving to Boston I have discovered that daffodils are one of the first flowers to bloom and I have grown to love them as a sign of hope.
As it spring now I get to switch over to my spring and summer scent (and my favorite scent) of Marc Jacobs Daisy. Last year my Grandpa sent me money for my birthday stating that I had to spend it on something frivolous so I bought this perfume that I love.
We are experiencing April showers here in Boston and in hopeful romantic, period drama watching way I have always loved the rain. Rain always brings out a freshness in the time. Today as I was walking around getting some errands done I felt like it was a perfect story book rain storm.
Also I have had some hard times with my thesis and I have felt trapped not knowing what to do next, well today I had a meeting with my reader and she gave me some good advice and now I truly feel motivated to get re-started. I feel like a lot of my spring semester has been re-starting.
I believe Mark Twain is author of this quote
{pic}
As motivation of my writing, I have changed my computer background...
Also as a fan-girl it has been a good week... First I am so happy that Parks and Rec has provided us with some cute Ben and Leslie moments. I have felt this season has been lacking some cute and much needed Ben and Leslie moments (and to be honest that is why I started watching the show). In season 5 they introduced the "Ben and Leslie Family Album" but since then nothing about that until this week.
Also, I have been watching the Emma Approved series and have greatly enjoyed it, so it makes me even happier to know that the actors in real life are dating. They have great chemistry on screen on so this is wonderful for this fangirl.
I am also re-reading one of my favorite novels, I Capture the Castle, re-reading some novels to me is like snuggling under a warm blanket even if I am on the T. I know what is going to happen but I still enjoy remembering the details.
I know this post has been rather frivolous, but I hope you have enjoyed it.
Screen shot of Cassandra and Stephen walking through the blue bells.
{pic}
*I wrote this post on Tuesday and now having bragged about how glorious the weather has been here it has decided to return to a normal spring weather of close to 50s.
It is Monday afternoon and for some reason it feels like a good reason to sit down and blog and I have plenty of thoughts but I can't seem to find the words so this post may not make much sense (sorry). It is the end of the March and supposedly the beginning of spring though we are expecting more snow this week.
First, I have posted in the past that this semester I am working on my thesis. It is not an easy process, I have had a mental set back as talking to my adviser she was not happy with my work, I have thought many times about quitting, and when people try to talk to me about my thesis (even though encouraging) I have shut down. I don't know what is going on but its been draining and I think people around me have noticed (at least my co-workers have). I feel I have gone from my usual "Leslie Knope-self" to feeling more like April Ludgate.
Well I am still not very talkative about my thesis most because it still is a bit overwhelming I have made some progress in the research... needless to say I am not going to get it done this semester and will be taking an extension with it and will be writing it and hopefully finishing it over the summer. So eventually I will have my masters but it is a long draining process.
Second I have felt a little lack luster about life, I mean with me doing research all day in my apartment I consider the day a triumph if I get out of my PJs and in to yoga pants. Last semester my friends who work with GoCorps came to do a presentation about going into the Missions field for the next two years and I instantly sparked something in me and I was all gung-ho about applying for a teaching position in Northern Africa. But now I am not so sure...
I am not so sure if missions is right for me or what I should be doing with my life.
I feel there are a lot of doors open but instead of being able to decide what door to choose I just feel stuck. I also feel like just running away.
When I was a junior in high school, I suffered from minor depression, I remember sitting in my Spanish Class (because it was my only class with windows), staring out across the San Francisco Bay and planning to go to Oakland, get on an Amtrak train and just go away. I thought somehow then that if I ran away all my problems would go away to. I sort of ran away. I found a college on the opposite side of the country from everything I had known and moved to Boston. Even though I was on the other side of the country the problems didn't disappear.
I remembering that now because I feel like running away. I don't know where I would go according to Buzzfeed quizzes I either belong in Cape Town, South Africa or China. If I could I think I would run away to England or Paris. Or crash on my sister's couch (if she would let me) and get in some necessary Auntie Blaire time. Sadly I can't just run away, I have responsibilities of rent, taking care of my cat, and other adult things.
So I feel I am just waiting for things to make sense. However I can't wait too long because here in Boston people are already looking for September leases and I don't know where I will be living yet. So yeah things are up in the air and I am just wanting to escape.
Having just finished this post, I don't want you my lovely readers to think I am all "boo is me", I just sometimes feel writing out my thoughts is easier than actually saying them.
I pinned this pin to my "A Novelist at Work" board on Pinterest because I think it is an interesting concept as an inspiring writer but in my personal life this quote has hit me...
I am struggling. This semester I am writing my thesis, well I am suppose to be writing my thesis... but I am not really motivated to do the research for it because right now the research seems like an overwhelming mountain that I will never be able to climb. Also 2 weeks ago my thesis adviser was discouraging. So I spent all last week sulking and watching The West Wing. I don't regret it because I needed some time to just do nothing... but now it is hard to get back up and do some work.
One of my favorite scenes from The West Wing
A lot of this week and weekend I have thought about giving up and just not doing it. I have a ll the credits to get just my Master's in Library Science, but unless I finish my thesis I will not be able to get my Master's in History and I would have felt that all this time would have been a waste. But giving up would be so easy.
Looking back on my life... I think I give up a lot, when things get tough. I mean I gave up soccer because one time a ball hit me in the stomach (I know I was 5 but I think this is a good pattern of things to come).
Going back to the picture on the top... I think if I was an Austen heroine the short come would be my giving up when things got tough an then living with regret.
As for the man, she would write for me... I am not really thinking about that. However, I think what ever man comes into my life will have to be strong as I can be stubbornness. He will have to understand that when I am quiet and I don't want to talk that I am weak and he will have to know to just sit there and be with me. I think he will also have to encourage me to be my best and not let me give up on myself. But according to Buzzfeed.com, I belong with Edward Ferras. Having always felt like an Eleanor... I am happy with this result.
Shy and sweet, Edward can give you a simple, happy life. You can count on him to do the right thing, even if it’s not always what he wants to do. While you might face hurdles on your road to Happily Ever After, it will all work out in the end.
You have to be loyal if you are reading this blog still. I feel I have no words, when ever I want to write my mind gets overwhelmed with how much work I have to do, how many papers I have to write and how many books I have to read. So actually I have a lot of words.
I am surprised it is November, I can't believe that people are listening to Christmas music and must admit that as I made my Christmas travel plans I too wanted to watch Christmas movies. However, for most of my life my family has not watched Christmas movies till after Thanksgiving. So I would feel just wrong watching a Christmas movie until then. So I'm awaiting that time.
But in the mean time... here is what is going on my life. My semester is winding down (as I only have a month left). Winding down makes it sound as if it is relaxing... I wish I have 3 more projects due in my Children's Lit Class. I know Children's Lit is not in my degree of archiving. But after last semester (where I wanted to drop out of school) I decided to try something completely new and fortunately my advisor was okay with it. We started with reading picture books, then easy reader, and now we are in chapter books. I am always impressed with my classmates, they truly have a passion for this. People might be shocked by this but I wasn't always a big reader, at least not when I was a kid, I only remember reading a book called Third Grade Detectives, and Matilda. I did not really like reading until 6th or 7th grade and I read Ella Enchanted and something inside me clicked. Anyway I feel I am spending a lot of time doing catch up....
with my Harvard ID
My other class is my internship class, where I get to work at Harvard Art Museum Archives. Everyone thinks it is cool I get Harvard next to my name (which it is), however I liked the job of being a reference person more so. I really like interacting with people and doing research, so I feel reference will be a good spot for me. Sadly the museum is closed as it is under renovations, so I am getting more interactions with emails than in person people. However, I'm loving doing research and touching documents that are close to a 100 years old. One thing I am surprised about is though I am working in an art museum archives, so little of my research actually is about art, it is mostly about the history of the museum. I am sad to say with the number of hours I have to complete I will only be at this internship till Thanksgiving.
An aerial shot of the Fogg museum The brick part was built in 1927 The glass is to add more more natural light {pic}
my stack of books on my desk
Other than my classes... I am happy to say my semester is busy but it is going well. I am not feeling too overwhelmed or feeling the anxiety that I felt semester. I am also happy to say I turned in my thesis proposal, I haven't heard back from them if it was approved or not, but just doing my thesis proposal feels quite accomplished. Last semester I was so burnt out from taking 2 history classes (yeah not a good idea) that writing my thesis proposal was a big struggle, and then I had a little break down where I thought of dropping out of school... I was talked off that ledge. Through some encouragement I went ahead and pursued my ideas, found sources, and I felt more confident writing my thesis proposal. I hope to write on working women at the turn of the twentieth century and how they used fashion to liberate themselves (before they had the vote). It is interesting I spend some time reading books about clothes then I spend other time reading books about working women. I will also be using letters and diaries.
The look below is an example of women wearing the shirtwaist style (comparative to a modern day blouse) and a dark skirt, very popular for working women. Though this look might look restrictive... it was actually more freeing than past styles. The shirtwaist was worn by all spheres of society, it was the working women who really used this style to liberate themselves and potentially move up in the world.
I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...
In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions...
Dear Anne, I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.
Best Buds
Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)
We so silly
Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.
I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.
old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"
Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future...
I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.
I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.
Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.
my cousin and I doing an art project at our
family reunion in July
Sorry it has been close to a month since I posted... the move, getting settled, and started classes has really taken up my mind. But I thought I would write this quick update so you don't think I have fallen off the face of the earth.
I have moved into my new apartment and now I just trying to make it feel like home. I live with 2 other girls. One I know through my church and we both work with the kids at the nursery, which is how I learned of this living situation. The other is a friend of the first as they used to go to church together. Anyway we are settling in. I know I am not the most sociable person, I don't want to be mean but it is hard for me to talk to people (yes I'd rather write this blog sometimes then actually talk to someone). I am okay with people I know but even sometimes that is hard for me (I over think way too much). So moving in with 2 almost strangers has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. In my last apartment it was just two bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom (no living room), so in my last apartment it was easy to hide in my room. Now I have living room and eating area so while it is easier for me to hide in my room, I want to be social so I do sit in the living room even if it is awkward. My therapist and friend challenged me to be social and not just let this year pass by without making a connection.
I haven't started yet (officially) but I have my internship for this semester at the Harvard Art Museum Archives. I will be working as a Reference Archivist, which is what I want to do in the long run because I can interact with people and help them with their research. I actually love doing research and want to be able to help others. I am right now waiting for Harvard to approve of my paperwork.
Besides doing my internship I am also taking a children's librarian and literature class. I know it is totally not in my field but I love working with children so I was interested in this class. Plus my friend who was in the program and my adviser said it was a good class. I feel I am learning a lot. The people in my class are so passionate about the topic and I feel like a fly on the wall just absorbing all the information.
Right now my life is kind of slow since I have 1 class only on Mondays and my internship hasn't officially started. But I know soon the craziness of school will hit me. So I am trying to be intentional about my prayer time. I will hopefully graduate in May after the completion of my thesis, then I have no idea what is going to happen. Last semester really burned me out so I have been wondering if Library and Archives is where God wants me to be. Also I have been wondering if I should continue to live in Boston, I am beginning my 9th year of living here and as much as it is home I am feeling kind of disconnected from it. So I have no idea where I will be a year from now. I know God right now is pushing me to get out of my comfort zone... right now that looks like talking to be people even when it feels uncomfortable, be willing to be more vulnerable (not just on my blog), and experiencing God's freedom from over thinking... for me this is harder than it sounds.
Yep... just showing off my niece
because she is adorable
The next big news is that my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited! My sister hasn't been here for a couple of years and this is my niece's first visit to Boston. If you have any suggestion what to do with a 3 year old on a budget let me know.
Outside of school, work and spiritual things, during my move I became quite addicted to Parks and Rec. I watched the first season when it was on but I didn't like it. Now at many friends recommendations I watched it again. I watched season 5 and fell in love with Ben and the Leslie story line so I want back and watched season 3 and 4. It is not hard for this hopeful romantic to fall in love with a love story but Leslie and Ben have become one of my favorite TV couples. I have LITERALLY never been so excited for a show to come back on.
I feel this has been my summer of movies and once again I thank the lovely Boston Public Library for letting me watch these movies for free (very important on a student budget). Here are some more movies I have checked off my to watch list...
Here are the two I loved...
1. We Bought a Zoo...
The trailer really says the basic plot line Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon) is a writer always looking for an adventure until his wife dies and then the adventure becomes raising his kids. In looking to start over Benjamin goes on a house search only to find the perfect place to be a zoo. Here their new adventure begins with the help of Kelly Foster (Scarlett Johanson) and the others (both human and animals).
Why I watched- It just looked like a cute feel good film, but then during a random time on Pinterest I saw this picture (right) and I thought that looks like a film with a great story.
What I liked- There is a little spark between the characters Benjamin and Kelly but it is not all sappy an mushy, and the whole story did not revolve around it. The more romantic plot line of the story revolved around the son Dylan and Lily, they were cute and awkward as it should be. I forgot it was based off a true story, so I was very happy to read as the credits were going that: "The Dartmoor Zoological Park, on which this story is based, is an award-winning zoo...".
What I didn't like- Some parts seemed a little over dramatic especially the part of Dylan, but hey he is a teenage boy who just lost his mom he is going to be a bit dramatic. I felt over all did not take away from the story line and it probably would not have felt real if it wasn't included.
Overall- Great feel good movie, good family movie. It is rated PG but the disc I got included a "English Family-Friendly Audio Track" so it can be for everyone.
2. The Music Never Stops
It is a moving story (have tissues) about a father Henry (J.K. Simmons you might recognize him from Juno) and his son, Gabriel, have not seen each other for about 20 years after they had a fight. Now Gabriel has a brain tumor and it is their love of music that brings them together again. Of course Henry loves the classics like Frank Sinatra and Gabriel loves The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and mostly the Grateful Dead, but Henry in order to bond with his son again listens to Gabriel's music and gets insight into his son's life.
Why I watched- I had never heard of this movie before until I watched The Conspirator and this was one of the previews (that's right I still watch previews), I instantly thought this film looked sweet so I wanted to watch it.
What I liked- The whole movie. I thought J.K. Simmons played his role very well, he is 65 years old and stubborn, he believes the music his son loved brought about the end of their relationship, and he doesn't want to go back to that time. However, Diane Daley (Julia Ormond... I recognized her from Sabrina (1995)), the music therapist convinces him that Gabriel's music is the music that will help him. After that Henry goes in and trades in his albums for some of Gabriel's music and really starts to hear Gabriel's story. He even takes his son to a Grateful Dead concert.
Even though I am not of the Grateful Dead generation I still loved the soundtrack and maybe adding some of their music to my playlist.
What I didn't like- I can't think of anything. So over all I recommend it for any one who loves music (rather your Dead fan or not).
This got a little long so I will post Part 2 on Thursdays.
I think only my loyal readers will recognize some changes are happening. This summer I have tried to post on Monday, Wednesday, Friday as those were my lighter days. Well now I have taken a second job working at the Old North Church gift shop (at least until the end of October) and now working 6 days a week not giving much time to write or notify my lovely Facebook followers that I have blogged.* So I am still going to post but now my post might be on Tuesdays and Thursdays as those are my late days.
Then everything is going to change again come September when I start classes. So changes are a coming for better or worse I am just trying to roll with the punches.
One change coming is I am moving... not far just another apartment. But it feels like a big change I will have 2 roommates and additional pets (I hope Darcy is okay with this transition). Another change I will be doing an internship over the fall semester. I have filled out my student profile and now waiting for placement from my school. I am also taking a children's librarian class. It is totally not in my track as I am a History/Archives, but a lot people have told me I should work with children, so I thought this would be interesting. I am seriously hoping that the internship and the children's librarian class will help give me more insight in what I want to do with my life... after last semester I am completely drained and feel somewhat passionless for library science.
I will keep you posted on any other life changes.
*-In case you are worried for me. I am making ends meet by working my current job, I am just trying to save more money. Also I want a job somewhat related to my interest.
It is amazing what 24 hours can do, or in this case one email can do....
As some of you might know I am getting my duel master's in Library Science and History. Well one large part of getting the History degree is writing a thesis. I did an under-grad thesis so I thought this would not be much different but it has felt completely different and overwhelming. So overwhelming that I was mentally paralyzed and it was like a cloud hanging over me. I had a plan to do my research over the summer and then come September hit the ground running with writing. Well that would have been good except for 2 things. One I was purely exhausted after last semester that I procrastinated working on my thesis proposal and then rushed to get in for the deadline, I will admit it was not my best work. Then when I sat down with a potential thesis advisor she had a lot of concerns over my thesis it really left me questioning what I wanted to, and I felt completely drained. I have since that meeting sunk away not even wanting to touch my books and I have felt passionless. I have even thought about dropping out of school because I was so uncertain about what I wanted to do. So after I had some hard conversations with my parents I thought about postponing writing my thesis.
Today the thesis councilor emailed me and asked me about my progress and I responded...
I have been thinking it over and wondering if my topic is truly what I want to write about. I have also been wondering if I could possibly not do the class this Fall and do it in the Spring of 2014? I know was "professor" concerned I would be spending all Fall researching and not getting it completed before December. I feel I need more time going over secondary resources and through that figuring out the more if this is really the path I want to take, or what aspect more precisely I want to focus on.
She responded... I think it sounds like a good and sane plan to take the fall to do the preliminary research and secondary reading, and then to take the thesis writers' course in the spring. I suspect you will be happier writing your thesis when you have a stronger sense of the sources you will use and the questions you want to ask. This strikes me as a responsible decision.
It is amazing I feel such a relief. So I will not be graduating in December as I thought but in May, which I am totally okay with. I'd rather take my time and do good work than feel rushed and overwhelmed.
In the Fall I will be doing my internship and taking a children's librarian class. The children's librarian class is not apart of my track just something I am interested in and it will be good to see if this is another path.
Sorry if this all doesn't make sense, I am just happy to lessen my mental plate. I know this summer I just want to read novels and get some fun writing in.
I will keep you posted on all sorts of progress and changes in my life.
One of the many blogs I follow is Scribble Chicks. It is written by 4 women who blog about being a writer. I find it very amusing. Well in Monday's post Confession they wrote:
MYTH: You can tell you are supposed to be or are a writer because you cannot imagine living life without writing and you don't enjoy the time when you aren't writing.
They explained this as a myth because...
TRUTH: There are definitely times when I greatly dislike writing. Usually it's when my deadline is creeping up on me and I have gotten myself backed into a wall in my story. There are often times during breaks in deadlines when I really wonder if I have another book in me. Or after I've gotten a contract when I stare at a blank Word document and I can't for the life of me figure out a good opening scene.
I know right now I am just an aspiring author with this blog and some poems I got published my high school literary magazine as my only publishing credits. So I know I do not feel the pressure of a deadline on me... though I will say I do try to publish here once every 2 days. Though I write frequently in between to prepare for up coming post. And I know I have never gotten a contract so I can't go against their truths but I do question their myths.
Over my trip with my mom I told her even though I am in grad school for Library Science, I long to be a writer and I think the reason I gave was much the same as the myth. When I can't fun write thanks to school it is hard and I long to write again. Then when I can write, thanks to summer or long snow storms, I feel like writing is the only thing I should be doing. Rather it be this blog, my journal, or my story I love seeing my thoughts on paper. Sometimes writing is the only thing that makes sense in my life and in my stories I can escape and make sense of things. Maybe in my naive sense I feel like that is why people enter the world of writing.
I am still thinking over this myth. Maybe if I ever truly become a published author I will understand the pressure of a deadline. Right now in my writing I have finished my story The Sisters of Pine Haven and have sent it to my mom, my current editor, to read over. In the fall I have to write my Master's thesis so I don't think I will get back to it until after that. Now I am just trying to work on my story, Rose Gray, as much as possible. Then with two stories under my belt and having finished Grad-school I might feel like seeking publication. Right now I still believe this...
I am happy to report that I am done with my finals!
Over this last month I have taken a break from blogging and in some aspects life. I hope once life gets back to normal and I have more mental energy I will be able to write more blog posts. I have these thoughts of giving up on this blog as I don't feel I have much to say or I don't have the mental energy to write. But I went to an event from my almmater and my old adviser told me she read my blog; I was very touched and for that reason I hope I can keep up with it. It is always nice to know something you have taken time to write has been read by others.
I sadly do not have much to catch you guys up on. I feel I have spent most of my month researching and writing papers. One paper was turn of the century fashion, I hope to use that paper to begin my thesis. As you probably know from my post about Downton Abbey, the stories I have been writing, or if you follow me on Pinterest I have fallen head over heels with the Edwardian time period. So I knew I wanted to do a paper on the turn of the century. I thought about doing my thesis on women's professionalism (like what careers became the more feminine careers and what not) but after sitting through a thesis proposal workshop where one adviser said "chose your own Hell" I had a change of heart. I have always loved fashion, I think it is so much more than what people wear, but what they value and what society values. So I turned my mind towards turn of the century fashion. As I began researching my paper I discovered that single working girls had more of a disposable income and used their fashion to get away from the strict uniforms of their jobs and possibly move up in the world. I would really like to talk about that. Of course I know I need a good argument for my thesis... so this summer I will be researching it. Wish me luck.
Besides finishing up school, I did go and visit my sister, niece and nephew. I know it was in the middle of the craziness of finals but I REALLY needed a break to go see them. I had a great time being Auntie Blaire and even though we didn't do anything overly big being with them was awesome. Also, my dad and step-mom surprised me with a day trip to see me... which was sweet to see them.
The only picture I took while I was there of my nephew crawling
But now school is over and I have the summer to look forward to. I know I need to be researching for my thesis... so I will probably be hanging out in some archives. I do hope to get some fun reading in (aka books without footnotes). I have been watching a lot of mindless TV but now I can't wait to cross some books off my reading list.
