Not forsaken pt. 2

From Part 1.. 

Have you ever heard something that even though it wasn't directed at you, you feel it is meant directed at you. Well this Sunday I had that moment. My church had a sermon today on the words Jesus cries out on the cross: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46 or Mark 15:14)

I know on this blog I  have spoken about some of the harder times I am going through right now in my life and I have often wondered "why is this happening to me?", "why am I going through this pain?",  "what is this all for?".

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Sorry after I wrote out my prayer I realized the post was really long so I decided to split it into two part. So back to the sermon. 

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

How many times have I felt distant from God and alone. We have all had moments where we question God. And the first thing my pastor said that it is okay to question God because our questions mark our walk in our faith. We should turn our questions to God. Then he stated a survey that asked "If you could ask God one question what would it be?" The number one answer dealt with "why does God let suffering happen?" I do not have all the answers but I do not believe God allows suffering to happen. God created our earth to be perfect and it was when sin entered the picture that the world was separated from God's perfection. Jesus who was perfection himself and he took on all the sin on himself and I think in that time He felt all the punishment that sin causes us and he felt the separation we live with. 

God mad Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. ~2 Corinthians 5:21

This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ~ 1 John 4:10

So Jesus calls out... "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

This passage comes from the start of Psalm 22. I have been reading Psalm on my own and I have noticed a pattern in then is that they start off calling to God in agony and they end in hope. But between the calling out to God and the hope God gives us there is a verse that my pastor pointed out to us...

For he has not despised or disdained

the suffering of the afflicted one: 

He has not hidden His face from him 

but has listened to his cry for help. 

~Psalm 22: 24

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ~Romans 8:18

I do not have all the answers but as I was sitting through the sermon I really like hearing that God has not left me. He has not left me and He has promised He will never leave me. He didn't leave Jesus and He is not going to leave me. I know I am going through some hard times right now and no matter what I feel I know God is with me. After the service I wanted to give my pastor a hug and tell him it was "what I needed to hear." I didn't. 

#Notforsaken

Now to explain the picture my Church is doing a Instragram project where they are collecting images from the themes of the sermon. As I was walking home I saw a some budding. After all the snow we have had in Boston it was great to see some flowers coming out. I feel this is very symbolic of what is going on in my life. I'm going through a winter but soon it will be spring and I can see a little bit more hope. 

Other passages:

Hebrews 9:26

2 Corinthians 5:18, 19

Romans 6:11, 14

Thankful for

If you have been reading my "Dear Anne" letters you will know I have been in a kind of negative place. Well at the advice of my dear friend who I call my "Boston Mom" she reminds me of the things I am thankful for... So to share them with you I wanted to make a collage. I couldn't post all the pictures I wanted but this is a good reminder....

1. My family: They have always been supportive of me and it wasn't until I moved to Boston that I realized how much I need them. 

2. My friends: The random dance parties, our trips together, going to the movies, and being a shoulder to cry on.

3. My older sister: Who has always been looking out for me. 

4. My relationship with my dad: We weren't that close during my teen years but now I feel I can turn to him for everything.

5. My relationship with my mom: We have our ups and downs but I know she loves me and is always supporting my dreams wherever they can take me.

6. Being an aunt: I love being an aunt to my sister's kids and my best friend's baby. I have been told I will love my kids more than my niece and nephew but I love them so much and they have brighten up my life. 

7. Hope: No matter how dark things might get there is always hope. 

No fight left

No Fight Left

By: JJ Heller.

Dear Anne,

I am sorry it has been so long since I have written. I could easily blame Grad-School but considering I have had no motivation to do anything in school, I cannot really say that. The last couple of weeks I have felt my life going down hill. I even wrote you about how I was focusing on the good things in my life, I thought that letter would keep me up-beat. I am sad to say that it has not. I have even reached out to my "support team" (close family/friends) for them to pray for me and the response I have gotten has been so heart warming, I have felt truly loved but some how my heart an mind keep dwelling on the bad and I just see my life as a downward spiral (as much as I smile and pretend to be all right). I even questioned if I belonged to him since I kept having these times in my life where I was low and discouraged.


Well over the past couple of weeks my church has been going through the book of Jonah. He is mostly known for Jonah and the Whale but that is so little part of the story. When Jonah goes to Nineveh (the bad guys) and after little convincing they repent and our saved from destruction. The story goes further but I am going to stop right there. Both Jonah and the people of Nineveh had turned away from God and both were saved by God's never ending grace. At the end of the sermon my pastor said "there is nothing you can do to out run God's grace". As awesome as that statement is I will admit I didn't go right home and immediately go to God (as I should have done) but later Sunday night as I was brushing my teeth I read the verse taped near my mirror.

"Find rest O my soul in God; my hope alone comes from Him" (Psalm 62:5)

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And I thought, "how little do I consider God my hope." I have this verse written in multiple places and I never really consider God my Hope. I know God has saved me and I know God wants the best for me but how little do I actually think about God's hope and grace. Then as I was sitting and \
praying, I realized I keep underestimating God's grace. God's majestic saving and healing powers. 

I wrote that first part and then during my weekly phone date with my dad, I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He was just talking about how I was doing so well, I was climbing Mount Everest (in Grad-School) and I am at the last 10% and this is the hard part. I told him I didn't feel I was climbing Mount Everest I felt I was going a downward spiral to no where. I hate standing some days and I just want to hide and cry. 

I realize I am much like Jonah in the whale. I am going through a hard time and as easy as it would be for me to just retreat and sulking in my distress. I need to turn to God and  find my hope in him. Right now this is easier said than done.

Today I read Psalm 86 and it was exactly what I need to read. So while I am still in this low place, I need to remember God is with me. I just wish I felt Him more. 

I liked verse 5-7
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Sorry this letter is a bit scattered... it reflects my state of being right now. 

Thanks for reading.

Yours,

Blaire
P.S. Is it bad that I just want to spend the day eating chocolate and staying in my PJ's?

A little bit of my past

Hello lovely readers,

In my last post I talked about how I was going to talk more about my faith on this blog. I know I have already talked about my faith a little but I wanted to go back a bit in my story. I have not always  followed the Lord in my life but have had Christians always in my life and I have catch myself thinking about them "you must have it all together to be a Christian." I would say my dad and both my sisters are these super Christians in my life and I looked up to them as if they were perfect... well they aren't and neither am I.

I wanted to lay out a bit of my life story so no reader can accuse me of being "perfect" and "having it all together" when I don't. In this blog I am simply sharing my life and my faith is a HUGE part of that. So before you think I am standing on a soap box or hitting you over the head with a Bible, I wanted to share a pice of my story so hopefully you won't think I am doing those actions.


From my Baptism... May 20th 2007

When I was 5ish my parents got divorced. I know it is common for kids to think that "it is their fault", I never thought that. Looking back on it, I don't really remember a time they were together so it seems like a "natural" thing. Though I didn't think it was my fault through the divorce I got it into my head that I had to please everyone. I somehow thought that there was this bar of "perfection" that I could never measure up to. When I thought I was close to that bar, I would  discover that there was something else I had to do to make people happy. And if people weren't happy with me they wouldn't love me. This an aspect of my life I have lived with for nearly 21 years, while it is waining in strength, sometimes when I am low I still feel this bar above me. So for me it was very "natural" to think there were always conditions or hoops to jump through to earn love.

 

Skip ahead to my Junior year of High School. It was not a good time for me. I know I was stressed about my grades (I wasn't a stellar student) and I knew my grades that year were not good enough to get into a good college. I just remembering feeling as if I had failed. I know college wasn't the only thing that brought stress on me, I just like I had failed (I can't fully put it into words). For so long I had felt as if I was treading water keeping my head above float and all of the sudden I got tired of treading so I stopped and it felt as if I had drowned. Drowned to the bottom of the ocean and for awhile I walked around feeling no need to get up. I also felt no one around me could see how much pain I was in and I couldn't express because if I did they would know I had failed and then no one would love me.

 

Over this time I was taking over the counter sleeping medicine because I could never sleep at night. One night, I remember, I was emptying the dish washer and I thought about taking 5 or 6 pills that night and not waking up the next day. In reality I wanted my mom to come in try to wake me and when she realized I couldn't, she would rush me to the hospital, have my stomach pumped and then be fine. Also people would realize how much pain I was carrying around. Yeah not super logical but it is hard to be logical when you are sad. It is also hard to be logical when you are living inside your own head and not grasping on to reality.

 

I started going to therapy my senior year. I talked a lot about my emotions and how sick I felt but I still carried around shame and guilt over what I had thought and what I had almost done. I still sometimes think back at that time and think, if people knew that about me they wouldn't love me. I mean how can some one love somebody who thought about ending their life. Yeah also not super logical. That is probably the biggest bruise I carry around me and I still ask God to heal my heart from that.  

Boston in the fall..
the first time I came to Boston was in the fall
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During my Junior year I would stare out my classroom window and look out over the San Fransisco Bay and dream of running away. I thought I would just leave school take BART to Oakland get on a Amtrak train and see where life would lead. Well I found a nice legitimate way to run away, college. I had a large book that listed every college in the US and I looked into all of them on the East Coast from Boston to Virginia. But on my first trip to Boston I felt at home and I never wanted to leave. 

Over the summer, between Senior year and college, I went back to visit my dad and per usual went to High School church camp. I always went to camp mostly because all my friends went and this year was no different. But something happened to me at camp. I had 2 wonderful camp leaders who showed me how they weren't perfect and still were Christians. I began to ponder that thought. Then over the week I realized I had tried to do everything on my own and I had failed. I realized I couldn't do it on my own anymore. So after camp I asked my dad to help me find a church in Boston, I remember he was driving on the high way but I am not sure why. I am sure if he had not been driving he would have had a heart attack over this question.

 

I found Park Street Church and through that found one of my best friends. She didn't let me hide behind my wall of shame, she got right to the heart of my life. She also didn't allow me to be a wall flower and she "dragged" to different bible studies where I got to meet a lot of people. While I had this great friends sometimes I felt completely alone as a Christian so I clung to my Bible and read all of Psalm that first semester. Through my friend I found Reunion Christian Church, my home church, and have found a great community there.

 

People might ask me "how do I know God exist?" I will answer "because He saved me." I know that is a classic Sunday school answer but I know it to be true. I was in the pit and I wanted to end it all because everything I had done had made me fail. With God I have never felt like a failure, though I continue to stumble. I make mistakes, I will make mistakes. I continue to walk around with scars on my heart for all the things that have happened in my life but God knows those scars, He know the dark spots inside me, and yet he created me and He loves me with no condition and no hoops to jump through. That is what I cling to because sometimes it is the only thing that makes sense.

 

As I have finished this up I realize the title is a little miss-leading as it is actually a long post. So as a treat... here is one song I have really loved for a long time and still gives me goose bumps.

 

"How he loves" by David Crowder.



I press on toward the goal

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Hello lovely readers,

I started writing this post when I got back from Honduras but I never felt it was finished/complete.

As most of you know I took a break from blogging most of the summer. Though nothing huge happened to cause this push, this summer has really made me change my thoughts on my life, faith, and what I see as important. Over the summer I have been really been pushed in my spiritual life.

My friend went through pretty big changes in her life over the summer I got to watch these changes from the sideline and I was also talking to her by what was going on not just on the outside but on the inside. Over this summer she had a passion for God that I had never seen and to be honest I was a little envious of her, in the best since of course, but I really wanted that. 

I have been going through a study in the Bible on the word hope. Before this study I knew what it was like to hope for a good grade; I knew what it was like to hope for/in a relationship; but I never knew what it meant to "Hope in the Lord" (a phrase often used in church). I got to hear my friend talk about what she was going through and she said the phrase "God wants our best in life so we don't need to fear that things will work out." Our best does not mean financial prosperity or happiness all the time but it does mean God's will being done perfectly through us. From the time she mentioned that to now (and on going) my perspective on the word HOPE has changed. More on this in my Hope is an Act of Waiting post. During my quiet time my study came across this scripture...

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me

heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

-Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV, 1984)

While this verse doesn't mention the word hope the footnote was full of hope. "We all have done things for which we are ashamed, and we live in the tension of what we have been and what to be. Because our hope is in Christ, we can let go of past guilt and look forward to what God will help us become... Realize that you are forgiven, and then move on to a life of faith and obedience. Look forward to a fuller and more meaningful life because of your hope in Christ" (Life Application Study Bible NIV). I loved this footnote and how freeing it was. I know for me personally that I carry around my past mistakes so much and in my mind I demote myself in value. God doesn't call us to that lifestyle. God wants us to live a life that is fully in Him. 

Then I went to Honduras. Before I went to Honduras I had this weird/cool moment of peace about the fact that I could potentially die and I was okay with that. My younger sister once told me she wanted to die a martyr for a long time I thought that was a crazy idea. But after this moment in my life I think it would be cool to die standing up for my faith. Honduras was an amazing experience and I can't wait to go back. 

My post on Honduras...

Back from Honduras

Reflections from Honduras

Shove comes to push

Video from Honduras

My Journey to Honduras!

Honduras wasn't the mountain top experience I was wanting. However, it did change my thinking and through that I want to make some changes in my life. But I wasn't sure what to really change and to be honest I was scared of change. So I told myself I would take any drastic changes until I really thought things through. 

Well guess what... life got in the way and I didn't really do any deep thinking. But some really harsh realities hit me. One was my budget. My budget smacked me once this summer, when I realized how much money I was spending willy-nilly and not thinking about it. So I worked on my budget, but after coming back from Honduras--not getting paid for a week--really made me see how tight my budget is. So one thing I had to get rid of was my nice data plan smart phone mostly because I couldn't afford it and I also wanted to simplify my life. I had gone a week with out a phone and I survived, surely I would survive with out Facebook and email on my phone. I am here to say you can survive not having data plans. I am still working on really watching my spending, not to stress me out, but to keep things in control.*

I am in general going to try to cut back on the technology in my life. For me that really limits how much TV I watch. I liked TV as back ground noise but I realize how distracting it was in my life. In Honduras and on a woman's retreat I went on, I got so much reading done; I prayed so much; and I felt calmer. I am listening to music more and I added more Christian music to my playlist, just as little reminders through my day.*

The next big challenge in my faith came when I went on Women's retreat. I was challenged with how much I hold on to my own desires for my life. While I think it is good to have goals, dreams, and aspirations in your life and I believe God wants you to have them too. I was holding on too much. I was saying "I want what God desires in my life but I really want what I want." I have now realized I have to let go of that but. I have to say "I want what God desires." Now I am working on getting my heart and mind to also let go of my desires and really focus on what God desires. Only then will I truly feel complete in God. (I don't have this down pat, just know what I long for.)  More on this on my "Letting Go of the 'but'" post. 

I was talking about this to my friend, mentioned above, and how I desired the closeness she had with God. She said "I am going to say something you are going to hate?" I asked what it was. She then challenged me with waking up early and doing my quiet time first thing in the morning. She knows I am NOT a morning person, I mean I think 9 AM is too early sometimes. But she referred to the verses about seeking God in the morning. She knows waking up early in the morning will definitely be a sacrifice for me and thinks God will reward me for my sacrifice. She has found having her quiet time first in the morning very rewarding for her relationship with God. Since I am desiring a closeness with God, I am working on waking up early to seek after God. I still love my snooze button but I love God more so I am pursing this path. Not going to lie these early mornings are only made possible with a good cup of coffee. 

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I am going to change this blog a bit. I still want this place to be an oasis from my chaotic life of grad school and my job. But I feel for this blog to be more true: I need it to focus more on the important things on my life and not just the things I think will get readers. I want to talk more about my faith--not in a way that I am standing on a soap box-- to truly share my struggles and my triumphs. (Please call me out if you feel I am on a soap box.) I know not all my readers are Christians and if I lose readers because of my talk I am okay with that.

After typing this somewhat long post I realized it will never be complete because this is just one section of my life and my life is not finished or complete. I will still be editing things a long the way and that is okay. I am still working on ALL these things and I hope you stay around to read this on going part in my journey.

*- The paragraphs are just written to tell you how I have changed, they are not written for conviction sake.

Letting go of the "but"

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Hello Lovely Readers,

A few hours ago I got back from a wonderful retreat and I come back with one BIG take away. I have written many times on this blog that I have wanted to be a wife and mother but that feels very  far away from distant from me. For awhile I walked around a little depressed because I thought if that is the purpose of my life why is it not happening. Then I wondered is this really God's desire? So I began praying "Lord please change my desires if they are not yours" quickly followed by "but I really want to be a wife and mother." Up until this weekend I thought this was a good prayer. I mean I couldn't lie to God and pretend that I didn't want my desires but I knew His desires were more important so I thought this prayer was a good compromise. 

This weekend during one of my prayer times I wrote...

Dear Lord, 

I don't know why I am sulking over the thing I don't have. Lord as much as I want to be a wife and mother I am not there yet, I am not sure when (or if) it will happen. Lord I am fine being single but I feel I am missing something. Lord I know you are he only one that can fill that spot. So Lord I to change me. Search me and find what I need to change. Lord if marriage and motherhood is not your desire please change my desires, not but this time. 

Match my desires to yours. I know day in and day out I know may not work will perfectly, but at the end of the day I want your desires to be mine. So Lord what you desire in my life? 

You know my heart, you know brain, I don't need to list what I want, you know that. So Lord help my wants line up to your wants.

Then this morning I wrote...

I am sick of that feeling where I am missing something. Lord it is just not true. I need to cling to the knowledge you (Lord) have given me all I need. There might be more I want but Lord if those wants line up with your wants then I know they will work out in your timing. But Lord right now I need to cling to the knowledge you are providing everything I need. 

...

Lord you know all my wants and desires, you them all. I have spent countless hours, and 100s of pages tell you what I want. I feel that is selfish because I have never once asked you what do you truly want in my life. I have never asked what you desire. So Lord what do you want in my life? What do you desire?

I then sat quietly and waited for a bit. While, it would have been cool/weird if God spoke in that moment and told me what he wanted; that didn't happen. This will be a continuous on going prayer. However, I think it is the first step in actually getting to the heart of what God desires. When I not only verbally let go of the clause and actually let go of it (in my heart and mind) then God will direct me to where he wants me. So right now I am letting go of the "but". 

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith,

having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience

and having our bodies washed with pure water. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for he who promised is faithful. 

-Hebrews 10:22-23 (NIV)

View from the home of our retreat. 

Shove comes to push

Our wonderful leader Emmilio while we were in Honduras speaks English and Spanish but once he messed up on the phase when "push comes to shove" and said when "shove comes to push." That became our catch phrase for the week. 

But when shove comes to push you must depend on God. When I moved to Boston I felt this huge  dependency on God because I knew no one, I didn't have a church and I will still new in my faith. However now it is seven years later I have lots of friends, a wonderful church family to depend on.   This week I was really dependent on God. I know we are dependent on God for waking us up each morning and for giving us all we had but it is way different knowing this and feeling. Don't worry I was never in a life and death situation down there I just had reminders of my dependency on God.

We were dependent on God for the water. One question we were not allowed to ask was "what if there is no water?" We knew there was water; there was some technical survey that had been done before hand; also if you looked up all you saw were trees; and it there wasn't water in that spot Living Water would just find another spot to drill in. But we had some problems with the machinery. Some one on the drilling team will have to explain it to me better. But our machinery broke a few times and we hit rock we couldn't drill through. So we kept praying for water and by Wednesday after noon we had water (pic above). 

Also on Wednesday we did have a pretty intense moment. It could have been scary but God kept us safe! On Wednesday afternoon we were told we were going to have to leave the school early because their was a strike at the border. (Our school was in one district and our hotel in another district so we had to cross a border). They wanted us to cross the border before the strike go worse. So the original plan was Roberto, a driller, was going to drop us off at the border and then we were going to meet Emmilio on the other side. Well the strike grew worse into a riot so we could no longer safely cross the border. At first we thought we could sneak around it but that was no longer an option after awhile. Well at first we heard a practical joke that because of the riot we were going to have to stay the night in the school. But eventually we settled on going back to the hotel we had been staying at on Saturday night. It was pretty nice hotel and we got a nice hot shower and got to eat delicious pineapple. Maybe if we had been able to leave the school earlier we might have gotten stuck in the riot, then it could have been a life and death situation. But God kept us safe. 

So when shove comes to push depend on God.  

Back from Honduras!

Hello lovely readers,

I am back safe and soundly from Honduras! People have already asked how was my trip and I have not been able to put into words, well not good words but it was an amazing experience and I can not wait to go back!

To explain my journey I must go back to Friday before I left. As I was finishing my packing I had this weird feeling that I may not come back from this trip and I was totally at peace with this. A few years a go my younger sister told me she would like to die a martyr, I was shocked by this statement because she seemed at peace with that idea. On Friday I felt that peace. Though sitting on this side of the trip I am glad I am back and I can spread word about Living Water International and I can encourage people to go on a missions trip. With this feeling in me I wrote a letter to my friends and family...

Dear Friends and Family,

I am about to go to Honduras. I know I will be all right but if anything should happen to me I want you to know I am completely at peace with this. I am going down to Honduras for God's work and in doing this I am happy if the Lord calls me home during this trip. I know you might be sad and miss me but I am up in heaven. I do not want any one to be mad at God for calling me home. This is His will and His will is perfect even if it doesn't make sense at the time.
....
Please know how much I have loved you all. My parents who have loved and supported me in all my dreams. I know my dreams may not have always been what you desired but you supported and loved me no matter what. To my sisters, I want you to know how much I have looked up to you and you have inspired me so much in both my faith and my desires to be a wife and mother. 

To all who have loved and invested in me. Thank you so much. Remember to HOPE in the Lord my dear friend reminded me that the Lord ALWAYS has our best in mind and so we can completely trust in him because of this. God will never just point the way he will walk beside us. 
...
I love you all so much. Please care for each other as I have cared for you.

I guess the Lord isn't done with me yet because I am here sitting on my bed writing on this.

Today while I was doing my quiet time I read this passage Isaiah 57:2 "Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death." I think this is what will stick out to me most rather in life or death to be in peace with God.

I am still processing my trip and all that God taught me on through this experience. I went old school on this trip and took a disposable cameras down to Honduras, now I just need to find a place that will develop film. Here are a few pictures borrowed from my friends. When I have my pictures developed I will post them.

The beauty of Honduras was a great surprise

The town in which the school was located.

Some of our beautiful students.

Yeah we have water! 

My gingerness really sticks out. 

The girls were so sweet wanting to be close to me. 

Our team at the pump sight. 

For my friends at church, 

you might like to know the money we raised during advent conspiracy 

went to pay for this well.  

Love you guys and thanks for all your prayer and support during this trip. 

Hope an act of waiting

I like this picture for hope
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Hope is an interesting word. In church and in the bible we are told to hope in the Lord. I have long to struggled with the idea what this idea truly means. When I was in my most serious relationship I knew what it was like to hope in our relationship and hoped that one day we would get marry. But that did not work out and when we broke up I felt like I had lost all hope.

Lately I have been trying to piece together what it actually means to have hope in God. I have been reading the verses listed in my concordance that use the word hope, it has been a very interesting study. But through the study I have still tried to anchor my hope to something tangible. I know what it is like to hope in a relationship, hope that my paper gets an A, and hope that I get what I want for Christmas. But those things may or may not happen and they might be a little silly things to hope for (well the last one is) and they might not be exactly what I need.  But God is not tangible he is wonderfully mind boggling. I don't always understand what, why and how he works but I know his works are for wonderful and glorious things. Also things always work out the way he wants them.

Last week my friend who has some bad news in her life told me "God only has our best in mind." That saying has been a real catalyst for a change in my bible study. Today I wrote in my prayer "Lord, I feel so blessed here in Boston, even though I feel so small, Lord you are here with me and beside me. Lord you are always guiding me to my best. Lord I hope in that best, I long for it and I have no idea what is. But since you always have my best in mind and since you are always with me." I know I do not need to worry when things will come about.

I think for me that is what hoping in the Lord means. I have no idea how this life will work out but I know God has my best in mind so I need not worry about when things will come about.

Ugly Betty is my Hero

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Since school has ended I have become obsessed with the show Ugly Betty. I don't know how I missed it when it was originally on TV because it is the kind of TV I love, a mix of over dramatics, a great sense of humor and at the end of the show a heroine any girl should look up to. Very basic plot Betty Saurez who is not the typical beauty with her big glasses, her braces, and her own sense of fashion. Betty works at a high end, trendy fashion magazine where she is the assistant to the Editor-in-Chief, Daniel Meade, and dreams of one day being an editor and having her magazine. Basically she does not fit into this world of high end fashion and her "friends" Marc and Amanda frequently tease her for her fashion and her "large" size. 

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So why is Betty my hero? Well that is easy in a world where she is teased constantly and pushed around she always has an up-beat, go getter attitude, and she always the gentle heart person you can't help but love. She doesn't let the negativity of the world get to her and no matter what she keeps pushing through. I love that she doesn't get absorbed into the fashion world and she still stands on her own two feet. She has dreams and pursues them with a great passion.

Even though she does not always fit into the world around her she makes friends, Christina, a true friend who helps Betty through the world of Mode. Amanda and Marc who have a love/hate relationship with her but at the end of the show are her dear friends. Also through the show she has five love interest. Walter, who is safe and secure but Betty realizes she wants more than her safe and secure life. Then comes Henry, who is an accountant of Mode, the cute adorable geek, who is the love of Betty's life.

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Like any melodramatic show, the producers will not let the pair of lovers come together with out a few trials one being a pregnant ex-girl friend, the other being a more daring love interest Gio. So Betty and Henry come together then fall apart and then he comes back during critical moments, or what is known in the TV world "sweeps". The next love interest is Matt Hartley, who are cute together, can never work things out and eventually he moves to Africa.

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But then comes Daniel. Through out the seasons, Betty and Daniel have some tender moments, the producers don't make this plot line a "will they or won't they." Daniel starts off the show as a womanizer and while he has swings of wanting to settle down he frequently goes back to his womanizing ways when things go bad in his life. Also Betty is so different then his typical woman I think it takes him awhile to see the beautiful woman she truly is. 

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While Betty does ultimately get a physical make over, her spirit and passion stay the same and that is what I love about her. 

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This post has been a lot about her love interest, and while that helps good TV, it is not those story lines that make Betty a hero of mine it is her view on life. She doesn't let the negativity of the world get her down, she makes mistakes and sometimes she gets her priorities messed up but at then end of it she still the go-getter Betty which is what I loved about her.

As I was thinking about this post, I was watching the last season on YouTube. There is this episode  "All the world's a stage" where Betty is dating this play-write but they have to hide their relationship. At the end of it she is kind of down on herself, she feels like she is the dork with glasses and braces. She has that her identity and all the negative connotations that go a long with it. In this moment she can't even see herself as beautiful.

Go to minute 4 and watch her and her sister's conversation.

It is a nice moment. To see this positive up-beat girl have a really tender moment where she admits her fear of being "ugly" but she wants to change her view point not only on the world around her but also on her own life. 

I think what I got most out of Ugly Betty was not to let the negative things in your life get you down you have to still go after your dreams. Then to realize if the negativity is coming from with in you have to change your story. (Easier said then done, I know.) Any way if this summer you are looking for a good woman role model look to Betty Saurez. (You can find most episodes on YouTube.)

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Hopeful Thursday

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Outside my quiet time I am reading verses that have the word hope in them... here is the first verse...

No one whose hope is you

will ever be put to shame, 

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous with out cause.

-Psalm 25:3

For all of Psalm 25 click here

Things I'm afraid to tell you

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The idea for this post was originally inspired by this blogging trend that went around a few weeks ago. I found it through one of my favorite bloggers Sarah at Well and Cheaply  she found it through another blogger Creature Comforts the idea behind these post are for bloggers to become more vulnerable "in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place" to read more click here.  I started writing this post but I felt like all I was doing was whining so I never published it. But now I am more inspired by a series my church is doing called Undone for those messages click here. I have been thinking lately a lot about things that have been holding me back in my life and in my faith. On Monday after my quiet time I wrote this poem... it is still in its infancy phase but I wanted to share it.*

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

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* to my mom I know you read my post sometimes and worry about me please don't worry I am clinging to the whisper.