I fear this letter will cause you quite amount of pain.
Uncle was here, which is why I called away at end of my last letter, and he begged me to come with him. Oh I would be at your side in a moment if my will was my own, but it is not. My mama says I will be able to come to you the Monday of next week and has given me leave for an extended visit.
I am sorry I cannot be with you now.
I do not if I will have the courage to send you this letter but I feel I must write my thoughts down, for I fear if I don't get them out I will explode and mama will shame me with my feelings.
I completely do not understand my new mama, she knows how important you are to me, how you have been a second mother to me in these years since my own mother past away, and yet she forbids me to come to you. At least for a time. She seems to think an engagement of a dinner party is far more important. Oh how I wanted to scream and throw a tantrum at that moment when she refused to let Uncle to take me. I feel she must have known I wanted to throw a tantrum for she gave me a look to say "you poor child." I despise that look. It makes me feel so small and as if my feelings and wants don't matter. Perhaps to her they don't matter. She has never cared for me--not really.
I am frequently reminded of the day, I went to The Towers, when I just six or seven, and how she let me sleep in her bed when I was over tired. I am reminded that she was willing to let me share her bed when all the towns people left me behind, and they thought father would not come for me until the following morning. She states that this was a mark of her kindness. I have never seen it as kindness. I feel she put me in her bed and forgot all about me, not remembering to collect me before the towns people left, and I have a vague memory of she sneaking the food Miss Helene brought up for me. No matter what I remember, my mama infuriates me when she tries to pass herself of as generous towards me. I know I should not write those words, oh Aunt if you read his letter, please burn it, for I know I am quite wicked in saying what I just said. I should not even think it.
Dearest Aunt, it is you I worry most for. My mama is saying I have not been good company at these engagements we have had, I do not know how to be good company when my thoughts are plagued by you and your illness. The one comfort I have is reading Cassandra's letter, I cannot wait to truly call her my sister, but mama thinks she will not come till Easter. Till then I am on my own with my new mama. I will copy her words for you to read them (if I send this letter) for I feel they will give you as much as pleasure to you as they have to me:
My dearest Molly,
I am sorry if my wording is a little too bold for I have never had a sister, and I do not know how to write a sister I have yet met. Perhaps I should write, "Dear Miss Gibson" but that sounds too formal after all we are related now.
I wish I had been able to attend our parent wedding, mostly to meet you. My mother writes that you are a kind girl, full of knowledge on various topics, and not afraid to express your opinions. She writes the last part as a fault, but I rather enjoy a girl who expresses her thoughts. I would not be able to call you a true sister of mine if you were not opinionated. And a true sister you will be. I feel bound to you already.
Please have a snap shot taken of yourself so I may have a photograph to picture you, while I wait and dream of meeting you.
Oh my, I feel my words are a little true strong to be good. I would not have you thinking I am too overly sentimental, I might be a bit, but as I said I have never had a sister and you being my sister now makes me spill over with emotions. I have been on my own too long I fear and I have been left only to imagine sentiments. I promise when we meet I will be quite good with my feelings and the words I use to express them.
See my dearest aunt she is so kind, she is truly kind and warm, an apparent opposite from her own mama. I believe we will be true sisters and friends. Besides you, I long to see her most frevently.
I feel I will improve my vocabulary as she has been educated in some of the best schools for young ladies.
All my love,
PS- I heard talk Ozzie is to be home soon, I hope that relieves your heart, I know your son was too good not to come home.