From my thesis cave

They will make memes about anything
Academic Tim Gunn... who knew, right?
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Hello lovely readers,

I feel my life right now is pretty much my thesis but I want to keep you guys updated with my life and my progress on my work... so sorry it might be kind of boring. But I have good things to share.

Going back to last spring, I was suppose to be working on my thesis. Well I kind of hit a wall. I wasn't really inspired to work so I put together a very sloppy outline and my adviser called me out on it. And after that I felt emotionally and mentally crippled and I hid in my bed watching the West Wing.

I love Charlie
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In late spring or early summer I found a great resource that was a survey done in 1907-1909 about what working women were spending their money on. Well I dissected that but I felt like while I had was data and I wasn't sure what to do with it. With the push of another professor I took the information and started making patterns from the data I collected. Then when I discovered the most popular items, I started doing research on those particular items and what was said about them. I also found a few advice pamphlets and books about how working women should behave. I am using my survey and the advice literature to shape my thesis... I won't go into anymore as it might get boring.

A friend of mine just reminded me this week "that with PhDs and Masters, you get them done when you are ready"... well I am ready. Over the summer while I was doing a good junk of research I also started working on my outline. Well I had to go to my thesis adviser and get it approved. I felt very nervous about this because the last time I met with my adviser it didn't go so well, As I was walking up the stairs to the third floor (history department) my heart started racing and I had to take deep breaths.

I won't go over all the details of the meeting... but she totally approved of my outline and said it looked totally feasible and she gave me good questions to look into and explore more in my paper. Phew. She also said I am a little ahead of the game. YEAH!  I told her that I was doing a happy dance in my head.

So I am now working on my historiography essay, which is part of my introduction, but it discusses previous work done on this topic then I state why my research is important and the niche my thesis fills.

My happy moment of my week: I was in my school's coffee shop area and I sat down the novel I was reading and the girl next to me said "whoa that is a big book... what class is that for?" My response: "Its not, its just a novel I am reading for fun." Her eyes really widened.  It is only 660 pages (not that big) but I was happy to impress someone with my large books.

Also it is amazing after working on my thesis yesterday for about 6 hours how wonderful doing laundry is.

That is all for now... will keep you posted on other things in and outside my thesis cave (aka my room).

Who doesn't think of Benedict Cumberbatch doing this
when thinking of a happy dance
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"Busy Nothings"

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I love Period Dramas and I am so happy to find so many bloggers have a love for them too... probably my favorite thing about blog is that you can find a little community of other people who love the same things as you do.

Anyway, I was inspired by Miss Dashwood's post title "A Quick Succession of Busy Nothings" a line from Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. It seemed to be a fun way to tell her readers what is happening in her life. She said in her post that she doesn't update her readers much on what is happening with her life... Well that is not the same for me as for the most part I use this blog as an online journal but I liked her format so I am coping it. Though I have to change some of the topics as I don't sow or act.

So here we go my "Busy Nothings"...

~~Reading As school is starting I decided to end my "Summer Reading" list, but this does not mean I have stopped reading. I am currently reading two books (usually something I can't do well). One is The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. And The Winding Road by Cynthia Harrod Eagles. This is apart of her Morland Dynasty series that have become addicted at least the ones about the Edwardian time period and WWI. This book is about 1920's and all the flash of the Jazz Age.

My favorite book of hers
Full of great descriptions of Edwardian Society

~~Listening I listen to a great a variety of things from Country (as long as its not to twangy), folk, some pop, musicals, and Christian. But lately I have been enjoying Mumford and Sons, All the Sons and Daughters, for King and Country, and Mercy Me. But my go to song has been "Arms" by Christina Perri. I fell in love with it when I saw a fan made video of Parks and Rec music video set to that song.

I know I have featured this video before but I still love it.

~~Decorating As I have said a lot on this blog... I have moved into my new apartment. And I am happy to say I feel very settled into this new place. Also I have wall in the living room that is very much my fashion wall. Fortunately my roommate and I have very similar taste or she doesn't mind my obsession with vintage fashion.

My wall

I am also going through and "re-decorating" my blog. I have changed the background and I have taken down my "good reads" section on the side and replaced it with some quotes. I had those "good read" books up for close to 2 years and I thought it was just time to mix things up...don't want this blog to get stale. Might do some other changes but essence of this blog will be the same.

~~Painting I have never been a big person to paint my nails... at least, it seemed like a hassle and painting my right hand looked like the work of Jackson Pollack. But after my friend's wedding, my nails looked so pretty I have tried to make more of an effort painting them.

Picture of Bridal party
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Probably my favorite picture of the night... not because I am in the front
but because it was such a cute moment.
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~~Watching probably too much TV. My new roommate has awesome cable... I haven't had this much cable since my dorm years and I must say it is addicting. Today I discovered Boy Meets World has reruns on MTV2.

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~~Working work is work not much changes but I am trying to get my mind wrapped around the idea of finishing school and entering the "real world." Still not sure if library science is truly what I want to pursue... but right now I need to just focus on finishing school. Until I do enter the "real world" I am going to enjoy days to sleep in and naps.

~~Anticipating There is currently a lot I am anticipating... being done with Grad School (though that comes with a lot of angst as well as some good things). Lots of people look forward to fall but I am just enough as a pessimist to know fall means winter is coming and I hate winter (it last way too long) but I am looking forward to Pumpkin flavors everywhere. I think the one thing I am looking forward the most is my sister having another little nugget.

This was their announcement

I love being Aunt Blaire and so far my sister and brother-in-law have made cute kids so I am totally excited for this little one to come a long. 

~~Writing the answer should be obvious... my thesis, But as the next topic is "Studying" I will say I am writing my story The Grand Days (working title). I am doing a mix of both writing it and typing it up. I have never been one to stare at a blank screen and write creatively so I always have to hand write my stories. Then as they progress I start to type them up.

~~Studying As I have stated a few times. This semester I am writing my thesis. So I am learning a lot about working women's lives and their fashion at the turn of the 20th century. I am hoping to see how this liberated women before they got the vote. I wrote an undergraduate thesis and for that I wrote about the antebellum movement to get rid of the corset...which as you know was not successful. I was kind of hoping in this time I would find women throwing out their corsets but I haven't found much literature on that. But I have found a lot of literature on more and more women being in control of their own money and therefore found more freedom that way... that might be my approach.

A classic picture of a clerical worker

~~Reminders I love motivational quotes so I have a rather large pinterest board on them... but its probably time for me to start reading them

-John Green
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Thoughts for Thursday*

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After my last post Body Thoughts I found this quote on Pinterest and I just really wanted to share it. I must say I am quite impressed by my readership on that post... I posted it around 11 AM and by 5 PM blogger told me that 36 people I read it. I don't think any of my post had been read that many times in 1 day except my Lots of Love post. I feel quite blessed and I have loved the responses I have gotten via Facebook. Thanks. 

I am trying to write post with meaning and not just have post for the sake of having post. I feel like the post I have recently written might have seemed like I was going through a low point. I don't want you, my readers, to think that at all. Yes, I feel things are changing in my life it feels like a new season with a new apartment and starting school again (hopefully for my last semester). Yes, sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed by it so sometimes I get a little negative and a little down... sorry that comes out in this blog. Writing has always helped me understand better what is going in my mind. But I don't want people to worrying. 

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I have moved into my apartment and my roommate wants to decorate... she hates the blank white walls (me too). I like having motivational quotes or inspiring Bible verses around my mirror and so I asked her how she felt about that. And she liked it. So I have been going through my Pinterest board "You Just Have to Believe" and I found this one.

I know sometimes I do things and more often don't do things because my fears. I am trying to be open with my life and try to experience new things. But sometimes I know that I hold onto regrets and negative things closer to my heart than positive things (I don't know why that is but I wish I could stop).

A couple of weekends ago I was hanging out with friends and one mentioned that "faith is a verb therefore it is an action." As much as I like writing and talking about things I think I actually have to start doing things. I am not sure what that looks like but I am praying God opens my heart to what he desires... next step action.

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*- I like alliterations 

Body thoughts

From the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"
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I am a modest person... I do prefer to cover myself up and I have always thought that modesty was more beautiful. But lately I have been wondering if I hide behind the idea of being modest because I am not confident in my body.

my cousin and I... last summer

I don't have an amazing body and I am okay with that. I don't consider myself sexy and I am okay with that. I cast myself as a Plain Jane and no matter how many times my friends and family tell me I am beautiful I have a hard time believing it. I don't know why this is but sometimes I think I use my ideals of modesty to try my body. There are many moments in my life when I don't feel comfortable in my body or knowing that people are looking at me. One of those moments are when I am in a bathing suit... yep I wear a one piece and wear shorts over them. In one respect I like wearing a one piece because my husband will be the first man to see my belly button (I know that might sound odd.) This pays off because I don't have to apply additional sunscreen but the number one reason I wear the shorts is I don't like my legs or at least my thighs.

I also have a friend who keeps asking me to work out with her. And I know I should it is healthy. But the gym I work out feels like a fashion show with women wearing the newest lulu lemon and don't even sweat. When I think about working out I think about hiding away and no one seeing me. Even still my mind just goes into negative mode. I know I am not in shape, I know that is bad however I don't feel comfortable with the idea of working out. 

It actually makes me feel mentally paralyzing and a hatred of my body.

I know that is bad thinking and it hurts my heart thinking that way. In the Bible it talks about in Genesis how God made us in His image. And there is scripture about how the body is the temple of God. "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own"-1 Corinthians 6:19. I know these verses are talking about sexual morality... but its true, God has called our bodies his Temple.

From all my readings The Temple in the Old Testament was a sacred spot where the presence of God lived in. Then after Jesus the Holy Spirit (the presence of God) was to live in our hearts, and in that our bodies are temples of God. That is a powerful statement... but what does it say about me that there are times I hate my body?

Before I go to far-- let me say these feelings are not everyday. Most of the time (with a bit of make-up) I think I am pretty. So I don't want my mom (my most consistent reader to be concerned about me). These are just passing thoughts and writing them out helps me think about them more and get to the through and muddle through them. Also I hope in my idealistic way that I will write these post and maybe get communication going about things people may not usually talk about. 

I started off this post thinking that hide behind my modesty because I think I lack confidence in my body... but now I am wondering if it is a deeper issue. I am still muddling through these thoughts. If you have any thoughts please let me know... THANKS!

Just thought it was funny
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Nomadic life?

I looked up "nomad" and didn't like any of the options
so I thought I would go with a pin from my "Beautiful Escapism" board
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Okay I am not a real nomad, I mean I am about to celebrate my 9th year of living in Boston... and even this morning in my prayer time I could not believe how much God has blessed me here in this time. And I honestly can't imagine living anywhere else (though I wish I was closer to my family). But lately I have felt very nomadic. Maybe it is my up coming move or hopefully my last semester of school and my soon impending adulthood but I have felt very unconnected to life and the best way I could describe it to my dad was nomadic.

Let me explain...my dad was driving me from Oklahoma City to Dallas (about 3 hours) and we started talking about my life and my future. Ugh I did not have the emotions to talk about this. I hate when I have to admit I have no idea what I want to do in my life (especially to my parents because they are always concerned for me and my dad probably more than anyone as I am doing something he can't really comprehend). I feel I have been in school so long that I am not even sure what the "real world" is. I have also been working on my degree in Library Science, if I was to think of my dream job in that field it would be reference archivist because I would be able to help people with their research but still touch old documents, but I am not really even for sure if that's what I want. And with this mindset and the things I talked about in my previous post (Taking time to reflect) I just couldn't handle this. I tried to explain it to him but all I could say was I feel "very nomadic."

I have frequently said "I have tried to make plans, but God just points and laughs." I am not saying this to say God is being mean but I think sometimes I make plans and then things change (usually for the better...when I look back at it). So I have tried to make any real plans about how I think my life should be as I want to leave myself open for what God has in store and this has been better for me. It is hard I am a planner at heart, but I have pushed myself to give God control of my future. And I do trust that He will take care of me but I right now I really wish that I was more certain with what to do with my life. But right now I am still a little nomad trying to figure things out...

While I am trying to figure things out I always like to keep a list of things I am certain of...

1. God will take care of me and no problem I face will stop that (but I can't just be passive and wait for God to work I have to be more active)
2. I have friends and family who support me (I just need to be better about leaning on them)

I think that is all I need. 

I may not be certain of my future and that it entails but one thing I know is that the only time I feel sure about things is when I am writing. I love this blog as my little online journal and a place to share my stories. I will try to post more of both those things but now outside of this blog and my work I will be focused on my move and starting school.

Taking some time to reflect

From previous post... the last we were all together in May
Sadly we did not take a picture this time

In my last post Blogging Break  I wrote how I was feeling burnt out and how I was out of words to write... well that was and sort of true. Not to dish all my private information on a blog but I had just ended a relationship (and while it was a short one it is hard to walk away from it and when I wrote that post it was hard to even think of what to do or say but I had to walk away).

Left pic: E and I in hospital
Right pic: E at home feeling much better 

So after this I was so happy to have this vacation to look forward to... well it wasn't the vacation my sister and I had planned. My nephew had to have surgery because of a neck infection. So he spent 5 days in the hospital and I was at home taking care of my niece while both my sister and brother-in-law were spending time in the hospital. It was a hard week because the doctors kept giving conflicting messages about rather or not he would not need surgery or when he would be released. One doctor told them on Monday he wouldn't be released till Saturday while another was saying in a day or two. I was on the sidelines while I was taking care of my niece but I could tell it was a big struggle for my sister and brother-in-law. Personally I was happy to be so busy I didn't have to focus on what I had just left behind in Boston.

One on one time with niece was awesome.

Well then sadly vacation had to end and now I am back in Boston... and life hit me before I even took off on my flight home. I have a lot on my mind... my upcoming move (which I am excited about living with my friend I just hate moving), some expenses that seem to never go away, my thesis and some other things. 

As I posted on my Blogging Break post I have been reading through passages on the word trust. That has been hard topic to take in. As much as I think I trust in God, I still worry and I still get anxious over little things. I am currently re-reading The Princess by Lori Wick and there is a section about worrying. Prince Nikolai is worried about his marriage to Shelby and at the same time his pastor is giving a sermon on worrying and calling it a sin. The pastor says "When we worry we say to God 'I can't trust You. You're not doing Your job, so I'm going to step in and take over'"(p. 134). Then today in my quiet time I was reading Luke and I read Luke 12:22-34, where Jesus warns about worry (isn't it amazing when things like this all come together.) I think God is really trying to tell me to let go of my worries and truly trust in him. 

In Matthew 6:25-34 (similar passage to Luke) Jesus says "Are not much more valuable than they?" "They" are the birds of the air who do not sow or reap but yet God takes care of them. He is saying then won't God take care of you if you are more valuable to God than birds. Yes... of course! I believe that God will take care of me so why do I worry, why do I let myself get consumed with worry... I am honestly not for sure. Maybe it is human nature to worry, but I don't want my worrying to get in the way of my walk with God or let it block me from awesome things in life. So since worrying comes as a second nature to me... this might be a life long struggle but I hope to get better at it as I go. 

With these thoughts in mind and others... I want to keep writing but I don't know if I can be as consistent as I tried to be this summer. But don't worry I will come back I love writing and in writing I find peace.

Facing some truths in my life

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The Ten Commandments
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I have been reading through the Old Testament and there is a big stress on idolatry and I guess this is easily thought to be bowing down to statue and maybe I have seen the movie The Ten Commandments too much because I sometimes picture that when I think of idolatry. While the commentary in my Bible always mention that idolatry can came in forms of wanting power, money or sex and I thought then I am good I don't really think about those things at least not in an obsessive way. So in some way I thought I was exempt from idolatry but in reading the Old Testament I have come to see myself more and more as an Israelite.


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Let me go back, I am a child of divorce, and while I never thought my parents divorce was my fault, I felt the ripples of their divorce and believed that I could lessen the pain of it if I made them both happy with me. So from a young age I was a "people pleaser" so much so much that I felt like people wouldn't love me unless I made them happy. In that I never felt good enough to be loved because no matter what I did I didn't feel like it was good enough. For example one time my dad and I were at the hardware store and he mentioned something about wearing make-up (at that time I didn't wear make-up) and I just started crying because I thought "Really, really. I had just finished high school and gotten into college and was trying so hard to be the 'good daughter' and you are concerned about my make-up." I now know my dad made that comment only to be helpful but I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back. And my dad was just there so confused by why I was crying. Anyway needless I have often felt like no matter what I did I just wasn't good enough. It kind of felt like there was this hole in me that no matter what I did I couldn't fill and until it was filled I kept thinking people wouldn't love me.

At my church we are going through the book of Hosea and talking about how God pursued the people of Israel. If you don't know the book of Hosea was commanded by God to marry a prostitute and in the story she runs back to her former ways and Hosea has to buy her freedom back. Hosea's life was a symbolism for God's love to his people. Because while they were praising other gods and falling for idolatry, God still loved them and still called them his people. It really is an amazing story. Last week my pastor was talking about idolatry and while this thought had been floating through my mind he said something about when we have idolatry in our lives it might present itself in different ways but at the heart of is idolatry. He gave an example but the best example of this comes from my own life.

I will say, while I have never sought power or money I have sought love and acceptance to the point where I would say it was my identity. In fact when I was dating my most serious boyfriend, to date, I started putting the hope and trust I should have in God in him and when it ended, it crushed me. I almost felt I lost my world.Anyway, going back, to my example I feel my desire to be loved and accepted as become my idol... it has manifested in people pleasing and it has manifested in my insecurities and in my pride. But at the heart of it, I just want to be loved.

The other day I was walking down the street thinking about my outfit hoping that it was cute and it hit me "hey I think its cute and I only have me and God to impress." And God made me, He formed me and He knows all the details of me. He knows my ups and downs, my good times and bad times and he knows all my flaws and He still calls me "Beloved." The verse Psalm 45:11 comes to mind "The King is enthralled by your beauty honor Him for he is the Lord."

As I am writing this it sounds silly that I struggle so much with love and acceptance because God loved me so much He sent His son to live a perfect and humble life, die as an innocent sacrifice for all my sins, and conquer death so I can have a new complete life in Him. I would love to say that I got this now under control but these feeling have deep roots in me and it is a process to get to. But I am blessed to have God, my family and friends to support me in this. And slowly I hope to hear God's words of love instead of the words of fear in me.

So while I may not be bowing down to a golden calf like the Israelites I definitely need to work on not bowing down to other gods in my life.

Hebrews 10:23- This verse has come to me a lot in the last few weeks
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*- I promise a lighter topic next time.

Another month another update

Highly recommend this chapter book
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Hello my loyal readers,

You have to be loyal if you are reading this blog still. I feel I have no words, when ever I want to write my mind gets overwhelmed with how much work I have to do, how many papers I have to write and how many books I have to read. So actually I have a lot of words.

I am surprised it is November, I can't believe that people are listening to Christmas music and  must admit that as I made my Christmas travel plans I too wanted to watch Christmas movies. However, for most of my life my family has not watched Christmas movies till after Thanksgiving. So I would feel just wrong watching a Christmas movie until then. So I'm awaiting that time.

But in the mean time... here is what is going on my life. My semester is winding down (as I only have a month left). Winding down makes it sound as if it is relaxing... I wish I have 3 more projects due in my Children's Lit Class. I know Children's Lit is not in my degree of archiving. But after last semester (where I wanted to drop out of school) I decided to try something completely new and fortunately my advisor was okay with it. We started with reading picture books, then easy reader, and now we are in chapter books. I am always impressed with my classmates, they truly have a passion for this. People might be shocked by this but I wasn't always a big reader, at least not when I was a kid, I only remember reading a book called Third Grade Detectives, and Matilda. I did not really like reading until 6th or 7th grade and I read  Ella Enchanted and something inside me clicked. Anyway I feel I am spending a lot of time doing catch up....

with my Harvard ID

My other class is my internship class, where I get to work at Harvard Art Museum Archives. Everyone thinks it is cool I get Harvard next to my name (which it is), however I liked the job of being a reference person more so. I really like interacting with people and doing research, so I feel reference will be a good spot for me. Sadly the museum is closed as it is under renovations, so I am getting more interactions with emails than in person people. However, I'm loving doing research and touching documents that are close to a 100 years old. One thing I am surprised about is though I am working in an art museum archives, so little of my research actually is about art, it is mostly about the history of the museum.  I am sad to say with the number of hours I have to complete I will only be at this internship till Thanksgiving.

An aerial shot of the Fogg museum
The brick part was built in 1927
The glass is to add more more natural light
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my stack of books on my desk

Other than my classes... I am happy to say my semester is busy but it is going well. I am not feeling too overwhelmed or feeling the anxiety that I felt semester. I am also happy to say I turned in my thesis proposal, I haven't heard back from them if it was approved or not, but just doing my thesis proposal feels quite accomplished. Last semester I was so burnt out from taking 2 history classes (yeah not a good idea) that writing my thesis proposal was a big struggle, and then I had a little break down where I thought of dropping out of school... I was talked off that ledge. Through some encouragement I went ahead and pursued my ideas, found sources, and I felt more confident writing my thesis proposal.  I hope to write on working women at the turn of the twentieth century and how they used fashion to liberate themselves (before they had the vote). It is interesting I spend some time reading books about clothes then I spend other time reading books about working women. I will also be using letters and diaries.

The look below is an example of women wearing the shirtwaist style (comparative to a modern day blouse) and a dark skirt, very popular for working women. Though this look might look restrictive... it was actually more freeing than past styles. The shirtwaist was worn by all spheres of society, it was the working women who really used this style to liberate themselves and potentially move up in the world. 

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Okay loyal readers, I feel this post is long enough and while it has been fun to get some writing some in, I have to begin my day. 

Hopefully will post before next month.

Figuring some things out...

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Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds

Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)

We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

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Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.

old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"

Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

just a little update...

Loyal Readers,

my cousin and I doing an art project at our
family reunion in July

Sorry it has been close to a month since I posted... the move, getting settled, and started classes has really taken up my mind. But I thought I would write this quick update so you don't think I have fallen off the face of the earth.

I have moved into my new apartment and now I just trying to make it feel like home. I live with 2 other girls. One I know through my church and we both work with the kids at the nursery, which is how I learned of this living situation. The other is a friend of the first as they used to go to church together. Anyway we are settling in. I know I am not the most sociable person, I don't want to be mean but it is hard for me to talk to people (yes I'd rather write this blog sometimes then actually talk to someone). I am okay with people I know but even sometimes that is hard for me (I over think way too much). So moving in with 2 almost strangers has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. In my last apartment it was just two bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom (no living room), so in my last apartment it was easy to hide in my room. Now I have living room and eating area so while it is easier for me to hide in my room, I want to be social so I do sit in the living room even if it is awkward. My therapist and friend challenged me to be social and not just let this year pass by without making a connection.

I haven't started yet (officially) but I have my internship for this semester at the Harvard Art Museum Archives. I will be working as a Reference Archivist, which is what I want to do in the long run because I can interact with people and help them with their research. I actually love doing research and want to be able to help others. I am right now waiting for Harvard to approve of my paperwork.

Besides doing my internship I am also taking a children's librarian and literature class. I know it is totally not in my field but I love working with children so I was interested in this class. Plus my friend who was in the program and my adviser said it was a good class. I feel I am learning a lot. The people in my class are so passionate about the topic and I feel like a fly on the wall just absorbing all the information.

Right now my life is kind of slow since I have 1 class only on Mondays and my internship hasn't officially started. But I know soon the craziness of school will hit me. So I am trying to be intentional about my prayer time. I will hopefully graduate in May after the completion of my thesis, then I have no idea what is going to happen. Last semester really burned me out so I have been wondering if Library and Archives is where God wants me to be. Also I have been wondering if I should continue to live in Boston, I am beginning my 9th year of living here and as much as it is home I am feeling kind of disconnected from it. So I have no idea where I will be a year from now. I know God right now is pushing me to get out of my comfort zone... right now that looks like talking to be people even when it feels uncomfortable, be willing to be more vulnerable (not just on my blog), and experiencing God's freedom from over thinking... for me this is harder than it sounds.

Yep... just showing off my niece
because she is adorable 

The next big news is that my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited! My sister hasn't been here for a couple of years and this is my niece's first visit to Boston. If you have any suggestion what to do with a 3 year old on a budget let me know.

Other post about life updates... (from over the summer)
Life Update
Changes are a comin'

Outside of school, work and spiritual things, during my move I became quite addicted to Parks and Rec. I watched the first season when it was on but I didn't like it. Now at many friends recommendations I watched it again. I watched season 5 and fell in love with Ben and the Leslie story line so I want back and watched season 3 and 4. It is not hard for this hopeful romantic to fall in love with a love story but Leslie and Ben have become one of my favorite TV couples. I have LITERALLY never been so excited for a show to come back on.

The great couple in action
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Holding on to words

I'm not sure why but I am a little timid to post this one... I post a lot about myself, some things are far more personal than this post, but I am still timid. However, as I have written I want to share my ups and downs on this blog... this is neither an up or down just something I have been pondering over.

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Some people think I am quiet (even if my friends or family don't believe it). I am quiet I think it is because I spend so much time in my own head... I am hoping this is typical for authors. I am good at writing out conversations but not so good in actually having them on my own. In high school my friend and I watched Dawson's Creek (well I watched the re-runs because I was late to the Dawson's Creek fan club). But one time we joked that Dawson's Creek was good at saying things you wanted to say but couldn't.

Clear example of what I mean
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I am not good at saying things I want to because I am nervous or I am afraid. Sometimes the words I want to say I know will leave me vulnerable and potentially show off my weakness. And I can't say them. So I write my characters... usually they are heroines who everyone sees as quiet and maybe a bit plain looking but they dream of adventure and deep passion. By adventure, I don't mean going to explore the distant shores (though that would be cool) they mostly just follow their dreams wherever they might lead them no matter what. I feel in some ways they are a bit of me but in some ways they are the best of me. 

Some people think I am quiet, I feel I express myself better on paper than I can in person.

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I started thinking about this post on a Friday as I was leaving my therapy session. At first it was going to be a letter to my crush... I don't currently have a crush but it was more to the idea of a crush. It was to say just because I don't say "I like you" doesn't mean I don't, I just have a hard time putting myself out there. I have a hard time letting myself be vulnerable; I guess that is normal people like to be seen as strong, as having it all together but for me think it goes deeper. I know I want a deep passionate love like my characters but I feel trapped inside my mind. I want something but I can't open myself up and either express it or allow myself to feel it (does that make any sense?) So I stay quiet still longing for love and not exactly sure how to get it. I have been told most of my life through the church that the guy is too pursue the girl, but for that to happen the guy has to know if the girl is interested in him, right? So how does this introverted girl, this girl who rather write than talk, find this love? I don't know... still on the path of figuring that out.

However, I don't want people to think that just because I don't talk doesn't mean I don't like you... I am just unsure of what to say. 

Holding onto truths

Dear Anne,

These letters I write to you are suppose to help me feel I am writing to a friend instead of the entire internet, that way I feel I can truly talk about what is going on in my life. I have loved these letters to you because in them I feel I can express what is truly going on in my heart and mind. A friend asked me once if I minded putting out there things so very personal about myself, I said no. I love to write and I feel writing is the one way I can truly share myself. I would love to think that if what I write here resonates with some one or if some one reads these letters and knows they are not alone in their feelings. I spend so much of my life feeling alone, that if I can connect to someone through this blog I will be happy. So here I sit writing this letter.

Last Saturday night my co-worker and I went out. She did my make-up and dressed me up and we had a wonderful girls night. It took a strangers compliments but it was one of the few times in my life I felt beautiful. I don't mean to throw myself a pity party but I don't really see myself as beautiful, I have always written myself off as a Plain Jane... and I have been comfortable with it. I felt like I had gotten into a Princess Mia rut being comfortable saying "As usual this as good as its going to get" kind of rut. But then my friend dressed me up, did my make up and I felt beautiful.

Just in case you didn't know what I was talking about
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I know not every day is going to be an awesome looking  but when I look in the mirror I see the lies of shame and regret. This isn't right I know it isn't right but the lies are surrounding me. I honestly don't know what is going on with me... I feel trapped in. Mentally and emotionally trapped. But that Saturday night I felt free, thanks to a few drinks, I felt free. I know it is not true freedom but I felt loose and good about myself and it has been awhile since I have felt that way.

My friends keep telling me "not to be so hard on myself, that I am in a funk" and it's true I am in a funk. I know this is just a phase but it feels this phase is going on for a long time and has left me wondering what is true in my life. Do not worry, I do not question God's existence and I know He is in my life, I know this because if He was not I am sure I would be suffering from depression. Just right now I feel lost, I feel lost in the woods and the trees are so thick and blocking my view of the sky and my path. While I am feeling lost I am trying to hold on to God's truth of love, grace, and hope. I am also holding on to the blessings in my life my great friends in Boston, my church, and my family. 

From my "Thankful For" post

 So to conclude, while yes I know I am being really personal about my life, I feel if I didn't I wouldn't be being honest you or to myself. And if I can in anyway connect to someone out there I am happy this blog is out there. 

As always my love,
Blaire

Finished My Semester

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Yes it is from the Lizzie Bennet Diaries

I am happy to report that I am done with my finals! 

Over this last month I have taken a break from blogging and in some aspects life. I hope once life gets back to normal and I have more mental energy I will be able to write more blog posts. I have these thoughts of giving up on this blog as I don't feel I have much to say or I don't have the mental energy to write. But I went to an event from my almmater and my old adviser told me she read my blog; I was very touched and for that reason I hope I can keep up with it. It is always nice to know something you have taken time to write has been read by others.

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I sadly do not have much to catch you guys up on. I feel I have spent most of my month researching and writing papers. One paper was turn of the century fashion, I hope to use that paper to begin my thesis. As you probably know from my post about Downton Abbey, the stories I have been writing, or if you follow me on Pinterest I have fallen head over heels with the Edwardian time period. So I knew I wanted to do a paper on the turn of the century. I thought about doing my thesis on women's professionalism (like what careers became the more feminine careers and what not) but after sitting through a thesis proposal workshop where one adviser said "chose your own Hell" I had a change of heart. I have always loved fashion, I think it is so much more than what people wear, but what they value and what society values. So I turned my mind towards turn of the century fashion. As I began researching my paper I discovered that single working girls had more of a disposable income and used their fashion to get away from the strict uniforms of their jobs and possibly move up in the world. I would really like to talk about that. Of course I know I need a good argument for my thesis... so this summer I will be researching it. Wish me luck.

Besides finishing up school, I did go and visit my sister, niece and nephew. I know it was in the middle of the craziness of finals but I REALLY needed a break to go see them. I had a great time being Auntie Blaire and even though we didn't do anything overly big being with them was awesome. Also, my dad and step-mom surprised me with a day trip to see me... which was sweet to see them.

The only picture I took while I was there of my nephew crawling

But now school is over and I have the summer to look forward to. I know I need to be researching for my thesis... so I will probably be hanging out in some archives. I do hope to get some fun reading in (aka books without footnotes). I have been watching a lot of mindless TV but now I can't wait to cross some books off my reading list.

Hope to post more later.

Thankful for

If you have been reading my "Dear Anne" letters you will know I have been in a kind of negative place. Well at the advice of my dear friend who I call my "Boston Mom" she reminds me of the things I am thankful for... So to share them with you I wanted to make a collage. I couldn't post all the pictures I wanted but this is a good reminder....

1. My family: They have always been supportive of me and it wasn't until I moved to Boston that I realized how much I need them. 

2. My friends: The random dance parties, our trips together, going to the movies, and being a shoulder to cry on.

3. My older sister: Who has always been looking out for me. 

4. My relationship with my dad: We weren't that close during my teen years but now I feel I can turn to him for everything.

5. My relationship with my mom: We have our ups and downs but I know she loves me and is always supporting my dreams wherever they can take me.

6. Being an aunt: I love being an aunt to my sister's kids and my best friend's baby. I have been told I will love my kids more than my niece and nephew but I love them so much and they have brighten up my life. 

7. Hope: No matter how dark things might get there is always hope.