Faith is bigger...

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My friend and I on Thanksgiving

Hello,

In my last post I couldn't believe it was Thanksgiving and now I can't believe it is December, however I am very much look forward to going home for Christmas (I always look forward to that).

A few years back I did a study on the word "hope" and what it meant when I say "I hope in the Lord."Well lately I have been questioning my faith, I don't mean to I don't have faith, but just questioning what it means to say the word "faith" or "I have faith." Faith is such a small word for all the meaning it has.At the heart of the word faith is believing in something we can't see or in our limited view understand. Last year my co-worker asked me "why do you believe in God?" and I answered "at the end of the day He is the only one  that make sense." Since then I have though how many time God (from my very limited perspective) doesn't make sense, like I can't understand why natural disasters happen, or why there are diseases that can't be cured. So sometimes God doesn't make sense. If I say that does that mean I doubt God? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I am not expecting God to make sense from my view point. So maybe at the end of the day I don't have faith because He is the only one that make sense, but because He is the only one that has kept my life together.

Let me go back and explain... Have you ever felt you got everything together? That you are in control and things are going well. I usually feel this when I have been good in my bible study, strong in having spiritual conversations and I feel I can sit back and cruise, and for a little bit... just enjoy life. Well that is when I start to falter because when I feel I can cruise problems erupt (okay that might be an exaggeration), but I do have a feeling things are falling apart. I have used the analogy of first swimming along just fine, then feeling like I am treading water, then potentially drowning.

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So back to faith, as I feel myself like I am treading water, I realize something is not right, and I know immediately I have tried to take control. Why do I do this? Because I am human with arrogance and pride. Depending on how much pride I have at the momen. I either keep treading or try to turn back to God. God is good about reminding me how small and weak I am without Him... to be honest I am okay that. Then He usually sorts things out, and I am saying my life gets better, but He reminds me who and what should be the true focus of my life. Who should be the focus? Is God. What should be the focus? Is His Will. I am not saying I understand all this over night, sometimes I spend months where I feel I am treading water and sometimes I feel I am trying to get back to God but I am blocked. It is not easy to let God break me down and let myself sink until I give up my ideas of control... but it is always worth it.

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So why do I do this? More and more as I go through this journey of faith, that having faith in God is believing He will work it out... even if you are not sure what the "it" is. As I am wrapping up this semester and facing my last semester of school, the future is really looming over me. Right now my "it" is the future. I have faith in God because He is working out my future, He has had a plan for me (even before I was born) and I know His plan for me is perfect. In this His ideas of perfect and my ideas of perfect are different, but I know His ways are right and true. Therefore, I have to constantly remind myself to give up my control and give it to Him. I am learning more and more I have faith in God because He will never let me go and I am never on my own, He is always with me, He will always be with me, and I needn't worry because he is taking care of me.

Right now my life seems pretty up in the air as I pray and think about my future, but I am totally eager to see what God has planned for me. I will keep you posted on this journey.

Happy December!

Thankful For!

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Oh my goodness I am still in shock that Thanksgiving is this week... of course today it feels like January.

Anyway today in church we were talking about being Thankful and my pastor quoted the passage...
"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."- 1 Thessalonians 5:18. 

Then he encouraged us to make us while we are going throughout our days to make a list of things we are Thankful for, so here some things on my list.

Thankful for being an aunt...
it is my favorite role

1. I am thankful God is in control... Most of my life I have always tried to live by a plan, for example in college I knew I was going to take a year off and then go to Grad-school, well a year turned to a year in half (because of personal circumstances) and for awhile I felt I was behind in my plan. Now I am preparing to graduate in May (hopefully) and I have no idea what I want to do with my life... you would think it would be Library Science, but I don't know, I have a lot of passions and I want to do a lot of things so I am not forsure. The awesome thing is I am not in control, He is and He has a perfect will for me. So I am praying God to guide me in my future.

Song: Your love is strong

By: Jon Foreman 

2. I am thankful for God's love... I am single, and sometimes I wish so hard I was in a relationship with "the one" and that I would be looking forward to my wedding day, and sometimes it hurts to be single and feel alone. But God's love is bigger than my singleness and He is giving me this time to really be nurtured in Him and learn how cherished I am to Him.

3. I am thankful for my singleness... as much as I want to be a wife and mother I am thankful for my singleness because I am still uncertain what God has in store for me and being single I can be more open to His desires and callings.

Thankful for my friends who have become a second family 

4. I am thankful for all the support and love I have been given, rather it comes from parents, my sibling, my friends (who are my second family) I am never at a loss for support and love.

Darcy and I snuggling last year during Nemo

5. I am thankful for the hope I have in God. I don't know how everything is  going to work out but I continue to put my hope in God and He continues to see me through even when I feel things are falling apart.

6. On these cold days I am thankful for my apartment, my cat who snuggles on me, and hot tea.

The next thing my pastor encouraged us to do is to "Fix your eyes on the truth." I know for me it is easy to wish my life was different and be discouraged that its not the way I want... but for us to be truly thankful we have to be thankful for what we have instead of wanting something more. What we choose to focus on can make all the difference.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:6-7

I wrote a post last March very similar to this and I shared this collage...

I'm thankful for the people in these pictures. 

Figuring some things out...

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Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds

Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)

We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

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Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.

old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"

Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

just a little update...

Loyal Readers,

my cousin and I doing an art project at our
family reunion in July

Sorry it has been close to a month since I posted... the move, getting settled, and started classes has really taken up my mind. But I thought I would write this quick update so you don't think I have fallen off the face of the earth.

I have moved into my new apartment and now I just trying to make it feel like home. I live with 2 other girls. One I know through my church and we both work with the kids at the nursery, which is how I learned of this living situation. The other is a friend of the first as they used to go to church together. Anyway we are settling in. I know I am not the most sociable person, I don't want to be mean but it is hard for me to talk to people (yes I'd rather write this blog sometimes then actually talk to someone). I am okay with people I know but even sometimes that is hard for me (I over think way too much). So moving in with 2 almost strangers has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. In my last apartment it was just two bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom (no living room), so in my last apartment it was easy to hide in my room. Now I have living room and eating area so while it is easier for me to hide in my room, I want to be social so I do sit in the living room even if it is awkward. My therapist and friend challenged me to be social and not just let this year pass by without making a connection.

I haven't started yet (officially) but I have my internship for this semester at the Harvard Art Museum Archives. I will be working as a Reference Archivist, which is what I want to do in the long run because I can interact with people and help them with their research. I actually love doing research and want to be able to help others. I am right now waiting for Harvard to approve of my paperwork.

Besides doing my internship I am also taking a children's librarian and literature class. I know it is totally not in my field but I love working with children so I was interested in this class. Plus my friend who was in the program and my adviser said it was a good class. I feel I am learning a lot. The people in my class are so passionate about the topic and I feel like a fly on the wall just absorbing all the information.

Right now my life is kind of slow since I have 1 class only on Mondays and my internship hasn't officially started. But I know soon the craziness of school will hit me. So I am trying to be intentional about my prayer time. I will hopefully graduate in May after the completion of my thesis, then I have no idea what is going to happen. Last semester really burned me out so I have been wondering if Library and Archives is where God wants me to be. Also I have been wondering if I should continue to live in Boston, I am beginning my 9th year of living here and as much as it is home I am feeling kind of disconnected from it. So I have no idea where I will be a year from now. I know God right now is pushing me to get out of my comfort zone... right now that looks like talking to be people even when it feels uncomfortable, be willing to be more vulnerable (not just on my blog), and experiencing God's freedom from over thinking... for me this is harder than it sounds.

Yep... just showing off my niece
because she is adorable 

The next big news is that my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited! My sister hasn't been here for a couple of years and this is my niece's first visit to Boston. If you have any suggestion what to do with a 3 year old on a budget let me know.

Other post about life updates... (from over the summer)
Life Update
Changes are a comin'

Outside of school, work and spiritual things, during my move I became quite addicted to Parks and Rec. I watched the first season when it was on but I didn't like it. Now at many friends recommendations I watched it again. I watched season 5 and fell in love with Ben and the Leslie story line so I want back and watched season 3 and 4. It is not hard for this hopeful romantic to fall in love with a love story but Leslie and Ben have become one of my favorite TV couples. I have LITERALLY never been so excited for a show to come back on.

The great couple in action
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writing and faith

Hello,

I am writing this post in hopes I am not alone in these feelings. I am a Christian and I truly believe God has blessed me with my imagination and my love of writing.

But sometimes I wonder do I live in my imagination too much? God gave me this life to be present in it, to full fill His purpose. And I feel I frequently I just want to escape my life (not that my life is bad) but most of the time I feel more comfortable reading a book and I feel more alive in writing my story. Sometimes I feel guilty for this. I try to spend 1 hour doing my quiet time (and I usually find I cannot make it that long), however when I am writing and all the motivation is flowing I can go for 2 hours. I sometimes drudge through one chapter of the Bible but when I am reading a novel I can read for hours without even thinking about it. I am wondering if I spend so much of my life escaping reality am I truly living the life God wants for me.

I don't have the answer to this quiet yet. I am putting this post out there to get feedback.

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"I am enough"

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I saw this pin and felt the need to write... so this is sort of a free write. "I am enough." Easy words to say, harder words to believe. "I am enough." I have to say it with a long sigh. "Enough" What does that fully mean?

For me it comes with multiple meanings. In my quiet times God has constantly reminded me of his completeness. He is full of love, truth, grace, justice, hope and joy. He constantly reminds me that when I seek completeness from other things I will always be left incomplete. Things of this world our temporary. They are fleeting. They are here today and gone tomorrow. We might feel temporary full but it is gone as quickly as it came in. I constantly look for things to make me feel complete. I look to school, approval from co-worker, friends and family, even a future relationship. But I never feel complete even when I have approval because God is the only one to complete. So maybe that I in "I am enough" is God. He is enough, He is more than enough to fill me and make my life worth something. He is more than enough to save me from my doubts, insecurities, shame and pride. So maybe when I hear the voices of my doubts, insecurities, and shame I should remember God's whisper "I am enough."

"I am enough" another deep sigh. Most of my life I have dealt with questioning doubts wondering if I am good enough... sometimes it almost paralyses. I feel I haven written about this before but I keep coming back to it. My church is going through a series called "My important question" last week a girl talked about shame and this week a guy talked about deserving God's love. Shame she said is the idea that you are a bad person. As many good days as I have deep down I still know the pain of never feeling right. I have gotten so used to wearing mask, for people to see the "Blaire" I want to them to see sometimes I question who I really am. Then I feel sometimes if people saw the "real" me... they wouldn't love me. Even writing that I know that is a lie. But there is something in me that listens to the lie more than the truth. I need to hear God's whisper that "I am enough." He created me in His image, He created me to be His masterpiece, He calls me His child, and His beloved. No matter what I can do can separate me from Him. How can I write those words with out a second thought but it still takes more energy to believe those truth.

That made me think- I am currently a A Voice in the Wind the title comes from the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 about how God calls Elijah not in an earthquake or fire but in a gentle whisper. I think God desires us to listen closely to His whisper... it is just hard when there are so many other voices, louder voices but I know God is in the whisper. However, I know God presence is more real than the lies and that is truth I hold onto.

"I am enough" because God is more than enough and I have God to love me. I have God to give my doubts, pain, insecurities, question and shame over to and he will flood me with His hope, love, grace, mercy, wisdom and strength.

This has been a great free write, might do more of them.

Pin of the week

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During some random Tumblr time I found this picture from John Green's Hipster Tumblr. I saw it and instantly thought of the verse John 16:33-

 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 

Holding onto Truths pt. 2

Hello,

 

When I posted my Holding onto Truths  I wrote that I needed to add a part 2... First I am rather surprised how many people have read that post and my Life Update post. Let me go back and explain a few things, halfway through writing my "Holding onto Truths" post was when I was having trouble with my blogging on my home computer, so I didn't write it all together. That was probably good because I feel like I was kind of throwing myself a pity party, then once I postponed my thesis I felt like the cloud that had been hanging over me was gone and I felt much more relief. I actually felt like deleting that post, but then I felt that would be as if I was pretending that I never had those doubts or concerns and I want to be honest with you my readers. I feel like today so much of social media is concerned with showing only our best side, but this blog is not only for my best it is also to help work through my worst. So I posted the post and I hope if you are feeling doubts, and insecurities, that you will read that post and know you are not alone.

 

After posting "Holding onto Truth" post my mom called, she so wishes she could fix all my problems. I told her "at least I know these are lies." I think we hold onto lie because it is the devils way of keeping us from God. I honestly believe the verses that God created us in His image, to be his masterpiece, but if the devil can slip doubt into that, then he can separate us from God and separate us from doing the work God wants us to do. I will be the first one to admit sometimes the voices of doubt, insecurities, pain, regret, shame, and others cab scream louder than God's whisper of peace, beauty, hope, love and truth. I know the feelings of being surrounded by those voices, feeling lost in the woods and not knowing a way out, or feeling you have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and see no life preserver. I know those feelings but I also know God's truth. 

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Somewhat related post:

Things I am afraid to tell you

No fight left

Not forsaken and part 2 

Discovering my mountain 

Hope is in the act of Waiting

I am still struggling with it. I know God is present in my life but right now I can't feel Him. I am sticking to my quiet times but they are more like a to do list than an experience. I am hoping now that I have postponed my thesis and the cloud has lifted I can get real and honest with God. Its funny God knows everything, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows all my bruises, all the pain I carry around pointlessly and yet sometimes I feel I can hide from Him. Right now I don't want to hide from any more. I know I have issues but I think the only way to move on is to open my heart to God, truly open my heart, hand over the pain and tears and let Him be in the moment. I told Him, the other day in prayer, that get glimmers of His goodness but I don't want to just settle for moments of it. I want it to be fully in my life. 

It is interesting that in my community groups we were talking about Romans 12 and my friend asked us which one of the following in the "Love in Action" part is hardest for us. I said "12:12, because I have felt like beaten down, at a loss, and not knowing where to go in my faith. I have felt passionless in my faith, and I have felt for awhile sometimes I am just going through the motions." I have had moments of passion but they are short and far between. I am longing for a moment of His glory and my passion. 

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.Practice hospitality.

In my last post Music for my soul I wrote the truths I am holding on to:

• I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.
• I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.
• I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

I don't really have a conclusion to this post but I felt I left my "Holding onto Truth" post on such a low note that I wanted to let you, my readers, know that in my heart I know the doubts and insecurities are lies and I trying very hard to cling to God's truth. 

Thank you for reading,

Blaire

 

Some good finds on Pinterest:

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Music for my soul

Hello lovely readers,

I have been posting a lot of songs lately. It is amazing to me I will just be listening to my spotify playlist and songs I selected months ago are still so powerful to me. This is one of those songs. From my Dear Anne letters, I think you tell I have been going through a hard time in my faith so the words of the song are very true for my present.

 

Truths I am holding onto in my life:

I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.

I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.

I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

 

Song: Silence

By: Joy Williams

Are you listening
TO anything that I say
'Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here, but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking, I can't hear You
How much longer will this last

Chorus:
So okay Answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy

Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet

Oh, it's okay
If You answer me with silence
And it's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Some wanderings....

Dear Anne,

My mom read my last few letters and she said it sounded like I was "lost", I responded quickly that I am not lost, I am just trying to seek out the best God has to offer and I have a lot of thoughts and questions. 

I still don't think I am lost just hazy on where to go and what to do with my life. I am guessing that is pretty typical, after all I am soon to graduate grad-school, and is making me think of what to do and where to go. 

I have been going through this 30 day challenge, recommended to me by a friend, it has no strict guidelines just 5 out of the 7 days to be in the Word and praying. I made up a schedule of switching between the Old Testament (which I need to read more of), the New Testament and a devotional I have.  But the main point of it is just to listen to God. She read my post Spiritual Jealousy and knew my desire to grow in God. So after I got back from my time in Newport I set out on this challenge. 

As of Friday (6/14) I am on day 15. I thought by now I would have some big revelation of what God desired. The only thing I feel sure of is that I think too much of myself and that I knew going into this. I have written about how I want to make an impact on the world but how can I do that when all I think about myself  and find more comfort living in the world of my novels than I do in the real world. I feel more comfortable writing this blog than actually talking about my feelings with my friends. 

I wrote in my journal: "How do I continue to put others first?" Then I wrote "I am so selfish to even  have to ask that question. " First thing I know is my heart must change, I must focus on other people's needs. How do I do that? That seems like a weird question to shouldn't that be just instinct. 

After I wrote that I reflected over the last time I felt really useful  and it was in Honduras, last August.

one of my favorite pictures from my trip

I so want to be of use in this world. But I am not sure of the next step I should take. Once again I leave this letter with no conclusion. I guess that is okay because a life of faith is not about coming to conclusions is it about the process of being transformed. 

Yours wandering,

Blaire 

P.S.- My friend, who challenged me, sent me a quote who she thinks is by CS Lewis..."Spiritual growth and maturity comes when we start to realize our sin and shortcomings." I tried to look it up but could not find it, I did find a blog called Desire Spiritual Growth  that I will have to check out in more depth. Also I found this... 

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Asking for Bravery and Wisdom

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Dear Anne,
I know I wrote my last letter to you just a few days ago but being out of school has left me with a lot of time to question my life and my faith. 

Do not worry I will not be using this letter to talk about the movie Brave, I just thought it was a cute picture to start off my letter. Actually I will be talking more about this verse...

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A couple of weeks ago in my bible study we talked about the story in Acts 19 where Paul goes to speak boldly in the synagogue. After reading that I told the group I have a hard time being open about being a Christian. Some people find it hard to share their faith because they are afraid they won't be liked or that someone will ask them a question they don't know the answer to. I am not afraid for those reasons, I mean in college I was but now I have come to realize people don't really care if I am a Christian as long as I don't shove my beliefs down their throats. Also I know I won't have the answer to every question because honestly who would. The most important question I feel like someone could ask me is "why you believe?" and to that I would say "Because at the end of the day He is the only one that makes sense of my life. When I feel things falling apart I know He will be there to hold it together."  

So why am I scared ? Because I don't want to be thought of  as someone who would waive signs that say "God Hates..."  or to be associated with people like the Westboro Baptist Church. I feel like these people do harm to us as group of Christians and to the Kingdom of God.  To be honest I think God only hates sin because it causes separation from Him and he is perfect. When God made the world He called it good. And that goodness, I have been told is equivalent to word completeness. I have yet to read where God says he hates a group of people. Even when He calls down wrath to the Israel it is not because He hates them it is because He hates their sin and punishing them for it and teaching them to be better people. But I honestly don't think as a mere mortal we can say what God hates... all we know is what God loves and that is all people because when He made Adam and Eve the Bible says..
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 

It goes further to say in Psalm to say..
For you created my inmost being;    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13 (a personal favorite) 

And we all know the classic verse John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 

There are more verses to quote but from my point of view there seems to be more arguments for God's love than God's hate. 

Anyway, back to my original point. I guess I hide my beliefs because I am afraid of people thinking I am judgmental and a hater... which I don't think I am. And now having wrote this I think most my co-workers know I am a Christian mostly because I talk about going to church, bible study, and they know I don't swear. One co-worker says I am on "Team G-O-D." But I wish they could know my heart. And in that I wish I could be more brave.  

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This is outside of my church back home in Oklahoma (First Baptist Church of Moore) and these guys are blocking the Westboro protesters at the funeral of tornado victims... I really like this picture.   

After writing about God's love and reflecting on these verse I question...what do I fear? What holds me back? I want to be bold like Paul but I don't think I have a very bold spirit. I always shy away confrontation, so I am hoping to grow. I am having good practice I have a co-worker that frequently asks me about my faith and what I believe. I do so pray and hope I am giving the right answers and I do so pray to grow in strength and wisdom. 

Sorry these last few letters have not come to any real conclusion... I have more questions sometimes than answers. 

My love, 
Blaire

As I finished this letter I found this on pinterest...

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Searching for connection

Dear Anne,

I have been feeling a little disconnected from things. During school I was so wrapped up in finals but now that school is over my brain still feels a little foggy. I think one problem is, is that I am too wrapped up in my own brain. I admit I get so focused on my own problems that I can forget what is going on in other peoples lives, I hope this doesn't sound selfish.  

Lately my church has been going through a series on Discipleship and one thing I have really been struck by is how much discipleship has to do with other people. I guess I should not be surprised by this especially since Jesus was the ultimate servant and was always involved in working with others. But the series has left me wondering, how can I serve. I do serve at my church with the nursery and what we call hospitality but it doesn't feel to be enough. 

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After the Boston Marathon Bombing I thought about giving blood as you know I hate shots and needles, so that seemed like a big deal, but over a month has gone by and I have not done it. Now with another home of mine in the middle of pain and destruction (Oklahoma) ... I feel I must do something. Being so far away and being in my usual mindset of blocking things out I could easily go on with life as if nothing happened. But I don't want to. 

I don't know where this originates as I found it on Facebook

As you know I have been going through some valleys in my walk with God and I am really trying to change that. Now that I am back from vacation with my mom and I don't have any "out of the normal plans" I am starting a 30 day bible/devotional reading plan. But I am thinking about what type of service I can do. I am still really thinking of giving blood... is that enough? 

I don't have an answer to that yet but I want to do good in this world. 

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Besides working with the children at the church nursery and going down to Honduras last year and hopefully next year, I have never really felt called to serve some place. When people talk about "spiritual gifts" I never know what to say. And without an answer I feel like I am little lost in where to serve or what to do. 

 Any way I guess I don't have a good conclusion to this post. I am just hoping through serving others I will feel more connected.   

Love,

Blaire

Spiritual Jealousy

Dear Anne,
Is it okay to be jealous of some one because you wish you were  where they are spiritually, I mean? 

As you probably know from my lack of letters I have taken some time off from life to focus on finishing my semester. This meant not going to my usual Bible study and not really reading the Bible on my own. (Which, I know is not good but in the moment it felt like what was needed). Before the craziness of April I felt I was really growing (see Discovering my Mountain) but now I feel stunted again as if no growth happened and I am not happy about it. I mean I am not surprised because you can't walk away from any relationship for a month and expect it to be the same after that time. But I guess in some way I was naive and thought I would be in the same growing spot. I am not. I feel my relationship with God is kind of lifeless. 

What is worse, is when I finally came back to my Bible study, some of the girls I was closest too...seemed changed, better even. Better may not be the right word but they definitely seemed like they were growing in their relationship, they were desiring God more, and they were obeying God willingly. And though I know it is not right to be jealous of them, I was. The next day when I was having my quiet time I prayed saying "I wish I was them." Then through that I realized I look up to them one for her complete obedience to God, one for how strong they were and never seeming to doubt God's timing, and one for her genuine and generous love. So maybe I shouldn't be jealous of them maybe I should strive to be like them. And I do. I think God has given me these three in particular because he wants me to use them as models of how I want my life to be. The real question is how do I it? 

This is an a question I don't have an answer to. I do my quiet time, I go to church, and I go to Bible study but it doesn't seem to making a difference in my growing the other times in my life I don't feel changed by God. How sad is that? I know he is here, I know in some way he is guiding me but I don't really feel changed. I wrote this in "Discovering my Mountain": 

As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

I am still at the same point and I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to venture further then where I am right now, and I don't really like where I am (in this lukewarm relationship with God, where I could take it or leave it and more often then not leave it). I don't like it and I am pretty sure God doesn't like it so how can I move beyond this? 

I don't expect you to have the answer but now that I am done for the summer this is something I would like to work on. 

I hope to write more later,
-Blaire

I don't know why but I like this picture. The tree stump was from a tree taken down in Hurricane Irene (2 years ago) and now these daffodils bloom here. Daffodils have become my favorite flower as they are one of the first to bloom and that means we have made it through the winter...a great sign of hope.

Discovering my Mountain

Dear Anne, 

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I have just finished my 3 part blog posting on "Not Forsaken". If you have not read them I hope you will because otherwise this letter will not make a lot of sense. At the bottom of the 3rd post I wrote about how my friend keeps telling of me of a mountain that when God has something he wants to teach us and we ignore Him we will circle around a mountain but never actually able to climb it. As beautiful as I think mountains are I have never been an outdoorsy person. So I apologize ahead of time if I lose the analogy. 

Anyway, the idea of this mountain and circling around it comes from the Old Testament, the story of the Israelite's and their wandering through the desert as they wait to enter the promise land. (Sorry I am also not a big Old Testament scholar so forgive me if I miss quote something). But the Israelite's are lead out of Egypt (and their slavery) by Moses and Aaron and very soon after entering the desert they begin to complain and grumble about how God has abandon them. First they decide to build an altar and make an idol and say that Baal (the golden calf) brought them out of the Egypt. Then at one time they want to return back to Egypt and go back to their harsh life of slavery as they think it will be better than their lives in the desert with God. Because they are not following God they are left to wander the desert. But God has not abandoned them. It is written that a cloud of smoke by day and fire by night lead them (Deuteronomy 1:32,33). Even with having God's presence they still grumble and did not always trust in God. Before I go criticizing the Israelites I should stop, how many time have I grumbled and not trusted God? And so many times when I read the Old Testament I realize I am much like the Isrealites.  I may not have God's presence like a cloud of smoke but I definitely have God's presence in my life. So let me move on...

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As I was working on my 3 post for "Not forsaken" and reflecting on all my post I have already written I discovered something. As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

how I imagine letting go
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I will admit that I have a fear of not being "good enough." So sometimes I feel I have to watch every step to make sure I am being "perfect" (even though I know perfection cannot be reached). I fear that I am not "good enough" people will see me as the wreck (I feel I often am) and they will stop loving me. So when I think things are going bad in my life, I try to take control in the situation, and fix myself. Though when I try to take control of the situation I slip, I fall and world seems even worse off than when I started. I know it is because I have pushed God away because I want control. So I go around the mountain again. I feel this is a constant pattern in my life. But I am going to change it... so I can go up the mountain and experience all of God's goodness and grace.

As I said I am not an outdoorsy person so I don't really know how to climb a mountain. In fact the last time I climbed a mountain was almost 6 years ago and there was a marked path and I had a group of friends and leaders. While I have no marked path here, I know I have God. I have friends and I have lots of people who speak great truth in my life. 

So I hope to learn how to climb this mountain. 

-Blaire