Fictional Obsession and Confession

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Dear Readers,

I will admit I get emotionally attached to fictional characters. If you can relate please let me know if  because sometimes I feel alone in my obsessions. For example I get overly happy every time I watch Emma and the scene where Mr. Knightley proposes to Emma and she says "Now I need not call you Mr. Knightley, I can call you my Mr. Knightley." Oh it just tugs at my heart strings. And I lost it when Matthew proposed to Mary on Downton Abbey.

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While yes I do like happy endings and I am totally a hopeful romantic. I look to these books/movies/shows as a way of escapism. I like the idea of getting lost in fancy gowns, balls, and I guess my idealistic view of chivalry. I think that is why I got into history, I wanted to escape into the past and live in the times and places I could only live in my imagination. 

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But it is not just historical stories I mean when Peeta confessed his love for Katniss I hugged the book to my chest because I was so happy. And today when I watched the newest episode of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries I cried... Maybe I am just super emotional. 

I guess I just love getting lost in stories. I hope to one day be an author that writes stories that people will get lost in and will fall hopelessly in love with my characters. I mean I get lost in my own stories but sometimes I think they exist better in my head. (Is this common for writers?)

Any way I just wanted to share my obsession. Hope you, my lovely readers, will understand my posts when all I want to do is escape the realities of grad-school.   

Just a pretty picture of escapism
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God's little reminder

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Last May I wrote a post called "Things I am afraid to tell you" in the post I shared this poem...

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

Well today as I was listening to one of my playlist and I heard this song... All the Beauty (Kati's Story) by JJ Heller. 

The song reminded me of my poem and how much I still need to remember the words of God...

You call me lovely

You call me friend

You call me out of death and let me try again

You call me beloved

You call me clean

Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me

 

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I love the way God reminds us of His love for us. 

A little bit of my past

Hello lovely readers,

In my last post I talked about how I was going to talk more about my faith on this blog. I know I have already talked about my faith a little but I wanted to go back a bit in my story. I have not always  followed the Lord in my life but have had Christians always in my life and I have catch myself thinking about them "you must have it all together to be a Christian." I would say my dad and both my sisters are these super Christians in my life and I looked up to them as if they were perfect... well they aren't and neither am I.

I wanted to lay out a bit of my life story so no reader can accuse me of being "perfect" and "having it all together" when I don't. In this blog I am simply sharing my life and my faith is a HUGE part of that. So before you think I am standing on a soap box or hitting you over the head with a Bible, I wanted to share a pice of my story so hopefully you won't think I am doing those actions.


From my Baptism... May 20th 2007

When I was 5ish my parents got divorced. I know it is common for kids to think that "it is their fault", I never thought that. Looking back on it, I don't really remember a time they were together so it seems like a "natural" thing. Though I didn't think it was my fault through the divorce I got it into my head that I had to please everyone. I somehow thought that there was this bar of "perfection" that I could never measure up to. When I thought I was close to that bar, I would  discover that there was something else I had to do to make people happy. And if people weren't happy with me they wouldn't love me. This an aspect of my life I have lived with for nearly 21 years, while it is waining in strength, sometimes when I am low I still feel this bar above me. So for me it was very "natural" to think there were always conditions or hoops to jump through to earn love.

 

Skip ahead to my Junior year of High School. It was not a good time for me. I know I was stressed about my grades (I wasn't a stellar student) and I knew my grades that year were not good enough to get into a good college. I just remembering feeling as if I had failed. I know college wasn't the only thing that brought stress on me, I just like I had failed (I can't fully put it into words). For so long I had felt as if I was treading water keeping my head above float and all of the sudden I got tired of treading so I stopped and it felt as if I had drowned. Drowned to the bottom of the ocean and for awhile I walked around feeling no need to get up. I also felt no one around me could see how much pain I was in and I couldn't express because if I did they would know I had failed and then no one would love me.

 

Over this time I was taking over the counter sleeping medicine because I could never sleep at night. One night, I remember, I was emptying the dish washer and I thought about taking 5 or 6 pills that night and not waking up the next day. In reality I wanted my mom to come in try to wake me and when she realized I couldn't, she would rush me to the hospital, have my stomach pumped and then be fine. Also people would realize how much pain I was carrying around. Yeah not super logical but it is hard to be logical when you are sad. It is also hard to be logical when you are living inside your own head and not grasping on to reality.

 

I started going to therapy my senior year. I talked a lot about my emotions and how sick I felt but I still carried around shame and guilt over what I had thought and what I had almost done. I still sometimes think back at that time and think, if people knew that about me they wouldn't love me. I mean how can some one love somebody who thought about ending their life. Yeah also not super logical. That is probably the biggest bruise I carry around me and I still ask God to heal my heart from that.  

Boston in the fall..
the first time I came to Boston was in the fall
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During my Junior year I would stare out my classroom window and look out over the San Fransisco Bay and dream of running away. I thought I would just leave school take BART to Oakland get on a Amtrak train and see where life would lead. Well I found a nice legitimate way to run away, college. I had a large book that listed every college in the US and I looked into all of them on the East Coast from Boston to Virginia. But on my first trip to Boston I felt at home and I never wanted to leave. 

Over the summer, between Senior year and college, I went back to visit my dad and per usual went to High School church camp. I always went to camp mostly because all my friends went and this year was no different. But something happened to me at camp. I had 2 wonderful camp leaders who showed me how they weren't perfect and still were Christians. I began to ponder that thought. Then over the week I realized I had tried to do everything on my own and I had failed. I realized I couldn't do it on my own anymore. So after camp I asked my dad to help me find a church in Boston, I remember he was driving on the high way but I am not sure why. I am sure if he had not been driving he would have had a heart attack over this question.

 

I found Park Street Church and through that found one of my best friends. She didn't let me hide behind my wall of shame, she got right to the heart of my life. She also didn't allow me to be a wall flower and she "dragged" to different bible studies where I got to meet a lot of people. While I had this great friends sometimes I felt completely alone as a Christian so I clung to my Bible and read all of Psalm that first semester. Through my friend I found Reunion Christian Church, my home church, and have found a great community there.

 

People might ask me "how do I know God exist?" I will answer "because He saved me." I know that is a classic Sunday school answer but I know it to be true. I was in the pit and I wanted to end it all because everything I had done had made me fail. With God I have never felt like a failure, though I continue to stumble. I make mistakes, I will make mistakes. I continue to walk around with scars on my heart for all the things that have happened in my life but God knows those scars, He know the dark spots inside me, and yet he created me and He loves me with no condition and no hoops to jump through. That is what I cling to because sometimes it is the only thing that makes sense.

 

As I have finished this up I realize the title is a little miss-leading as it is actually a long post. So as a treat... here is one song I have really loved for a long time and still gives me goose bumps.

 

"How he loves" by David Crowder.



Blogging Break

I have loved this picture for so long I am glad to use it
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Hey lovely Readers,

My mind is having sort of mental block so instead of writing some post that are not good quality I am taking a little break from blogging right now. I feel like I am a little burnt out from all the commitments I have and some other personal things going on that I can't really think of something to write about. I think taking a little break from blogging is the best thing for me.

I will keep working on my story and updating the parts I have typed up. But I think right now I just need some time to write my story and make that the prime focus of my free time.  To follow my story click here... Sisters of Pine Haven.

Thanks for your understanding,

Blaire

Things I'm afraid to tell you

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The idea for this post was originally inspired by this blogging trend that went around a few weeks ago. I found it through one of my favorite bloggers Sarah at Well and Cheaply  she found it through another blogger Creature Comforts the idea behind these post are for bloggers to become more vulnerable "in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place" to read more click here.  I started writing this post but I felt like all I was doing was whining so I never published it. But now I am more inspired by a series my church is doing called Undone for those messages click here. I have been thinking lately a lot about things that have been holding me back in my life and in my faith. On Monday after my quiet time I wrote this poem... it is still in its infancy phase but I wanted to share it.*

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

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* to my mom I know you read my post sometimes and worry about me please don't worry I am clinging to the whisper.

Birthday Love

I love my birthday,  I know that sounds selfish when I say that because many people think when I say it is because I like gifts but that is not the case. I love it because I know it means I get a lot of my friends around me.

Over the years I have had great birthdays...

The day after 21st birthday I got baptized. 

Then on my 22nd birthday I went to my first Red Sox game.

It had just happened to be Lester's no hitter.

Two days before my 23rd birthday I graduated college.

My 24th birthday was not that big...

My bible study went to Rochester, New York the week before. 

I know it was not for my birthday but I still remember it as part of my birthday celebration.

We discovered the love of a jumping pillow,

probably our favorite memory from the trip. 

Then on my 25th birthday I did something I have always wanted to do...

Karaoke. 

My friend told me my 25th birthday was the last "big" birthday I get before I turn 30, I didn't like that thinking because I love my birthday and I can make them big if I want to. Well last night I had an early celebration to my birthday that was just as big and memorable as the others. As most of you know I have been raising funds for my Honduras trip in August. In March I wrote a post about what my birthday wish was.... "For my birthday I want people to give to Living Water International click here for the Donation page and if you want to learn more about Living Water click here. If you want to support me and my trip to Honduras please contact me, but as I am not 100% certain I will go I would like it more if you guys would directly give money to Living Water International." 

At that time I was not sure I could go on a trip with Living Water. But now that I am going I have asked people for my birthday to give me funds for my trip. Well there as been an out pouring of generosity. My birthday party last night was in order to raise support for my trip, I did I raised 585 dollars making my new total of support at $1,885, meaning I only need 115 dollars left to raise. WOOHOO!!!

Me with my fundraising poster

Outside the money raised it was a great success. As my place is too small to host a party my friend let me use her place to host a party, and my best friend made and bought all the food for the party. Then about 20 people showed up and every one had a good time. So I will put this birthday in the book as another "big" birthday. 

Some of my friends
sorry it is blurry

The cake my best friend made
in the shape of a water drop.

For more on my trip to Honduras follow my Blaire goes to Honduras Blog thanks for all the love, memories, and support. It has meant the world to me.

Happy 200!

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One of my goals for this blog was to keep celebrating little triumphs. Today I am happy to announce I have written 200 post. I wrote my Happy 100th post, November 30th so I am excited how fast it took me to write another 100 post. I hope you have enjoyed this journey.

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Time to Celebrate!!!

Since my 100th post I have had some blogging celebrations...

1. I have gotten lots of writing done on my story the Sisters of Pine Haven... In my post Winter Break  I wrote that I wanted to write more of my story. I stated in that post I only had 9 post of my story, now I have 22 post.

2. I got a twitter account you can now follow me @liblairian I post updates on blog and things in my life.

3. I had my blog redesigned thanks to Annie from Wattlebird 

4. I am happy to say I had two wonderful guest bloggers on this blog. 

Kimberly from "Here's what I think about" 

We all have a writing story

Laura from "Girl Plus Everything Else"

What did you want to be when you grew up

5. I also wrote 2 guest blogs for their blogs. My Journey Through Reading and inspired by Laura's post on growing up I wrote about all my dream jobs that I had while I was growing up. 

6. My post "A Sunday of nonproductive-ness" has been looked at 143 times, that is huge for me. 

Some personal celebrations 

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I left my full time job in January so I can go to school full time. It has been great to have the time to focus on school and it is nice to have days off. It is so nice not going from working all day to doing home work all night.

Also I during my spring break I went to see my sister and my niece. It was a wonderful trip and great time to bond with my niece. She calls me "Ah ba" because she can't say Aunt Blaire yet. I don't know if I actually want her to call me Aunt Blaire because I love the way she says my name. I have gotten bit homesick since being back in Boston so I have skyped with her a few times. 

My niece and I 

I know I spend a lot of time dreaming about the future and eagerly awaiting what the future has to offer but I am more and more loving the day for what it is and not always what I hope it will be. I admit some times it is harder than I would like but I can't keep waiting for the future, because after all the future is only what I make of it today. 

Who Knew...

Hello Lovely Readers,

Kimberly, from Here's What I think about that is featuring 11 questions about you... I found this lots of fun and thought I would spread it on. Hope you enjoy...

Questions:

1. What is your number 1 goal for next year- Finish my story The Sister's of Pine Haven (even if it is not published) I want to finish a rough draft of it.

2. What is your biggest fear-  My biggest fear is that my deepest desire, of becoming a wife and mother will not come true.

3. What is something you wished others knew about you that may not be obvious till they get to know you- I think when people first meet me they see me as this goody two shoes... I don't mind it but then I think they peg me as one type of person and I like to be pushed out of my comfort zone (sometimes). Most of the time when I am pushed out of my comfort zone, I really enjoy it. 

4. What is your favorite breakfast- Sweet Potato Pancakes. I had them once at the Trident Book Store here in Boston, and they tasted like heaven in my mouth.

5. What is your favorite workout- Walking around Boston. I have found great little places to walk around. I love getting lost in the city and exploring new places I never knew about. Plus her in Boston I have learned when ever the sun is out...you must take advantage of it.

6. Have you ever gone skydiving- No, because I hate falling from high places. I am okay with heights but I hate jumping from heights.

7. Growing up, what did you do that got you in trouble- I don't remember doing anything over and over again that got me in trouble. But I do remember one of my worst/best punishments. I was about twelve and I was playing with my dad's lab top, something happened and the screen went blank. I lied to my dad three times about not playing with it. When he caught me in my lie, I was sent to my room where I could twiddle my thumbs or read my bible. I decided to read my bible, and through reading scripture, I felt so guilty about my actions I prayed to become a Christian that day.

8. What story about you does your family like to tell and retell- I can't think of any story my family tells over and over again.

9. What was the last TV show, book or movie that made you cry (or made you feel really emotional)-it is not hard to  make me cry, but Downton Abbey.

10. What is your favorite time of year- My favorite time of the year is tied between Christmas and my birthday (not because of the gifts). Christmas because I know I will go home and all my family will be there. I have so many fond memories of Christmas growing up and going to my Mema and Grangran's house, and spending the whole day with my family... it was my best gift. My birthday because I get my a big groups of my friends together and it is just fun to celebrate. 

My friend and I doing Karaoke 

11. What is your favorite song at the moment- Kimberly did a video and I liked that idea, so here it it. Fun - the Gambler 

Hope you enjoyed!

Denver Trip

Let me start off in my post called "Offline Lovies" my blogging friend Kaysie at A Day of K  asked me to take pictures... I will say I didn't take any pictures of Colorado I mostly took pictures of my niece. But when you have a niece as cute as this... it is hard not to. Yes I am totally bias but she is adorable.

At Hammond's Candy Factory

Now for my post:

Let me say I consider my self a Bostonian, while I was not raised in Boston from my first trip to Boston visiting schools I felt like I belonged here and when I left I had a little pain as if leaving home behind. On my second trip to Boston I told my mom I was going to tie myself to a park bench so I could stay. Then the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and I felt it was fate of course it didn't hurt getting my acceptance letter. 

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But after this trip I started to wonder if I really belong in Boston. I mean I love Boston but I miss seeing my niece grow up. Last time I saw her was in June and back then she talked a little but most of it was mumble. Now she is talking and while she says words that don't always make sense with some translation through my sister she and I communicated.

Her showing off her glasses

Her sayings:

"Papapo"- her dog Parker
"Isee"- her dog Cassie
"Big sista"- is what she says when you ask her what she is.
"That five"- is what she says when she walks by her future school that she will be going too when she is five.

My favorite:  "Abba" that is what she calls me because she can't say Aunt Blaire, I don't know if I want her to call me anything else.

Playing with her Pooh ball

During my trip we did uneventful things but life things like going to the park, playing with the ball in the yard, and baking cookies.

Baking cookies

We also went to the Hammond's Candy Factory, walked by the river front in down town Denver, and went to the zoo. She loves the zoo and anytime we mentioned going some place else she said "no zoo" so we had to remind her we were going to the zoo on Monday. I also taught her "rock, paper, scissors" of course she didn't understand the game but it was sweet how excited she got to play it. But I quickly learned when she likes something she does the sign and says "more" until you tell her no more, which she does understand. My favorite memory was on Sunday we went to church and I was walking down the hall she saw me and she gleefully yelled "Abba" then she ran to me and I picked her up in the air. I loved that memory. 

Showing off the shirt I got her
"Always hoppy"
"Boston"

Then we went to the zoo on Monday. To explain this story I have to explain the week before I came to visit my niece visited my dad and step-mom and they took her to the zoo. At the zoo she saw a rhinoceros that pushed a ball around with its nose, she must of really liked it because she mentioned it a lot during the visit. Of course she didn't say rhinoceros she kept saying "nose, ball" instead. So all day at the zoo she kept saying "nose,ball" at least every 10 minutes. We kept promising her we would not leave until we saw the rhinos.

Her looking at the rhino

Sadly the Rhino was quite lazy and did not push the ball around

Well that was my trip to Denver. It may not be as exciting but it was a wonderful trip. But it was hard to leave Denver. My sister has been telling me to move to Denver since I moved to Boston, I have been telling her since I moved here that I felt this is where God was calling me. But once my sister had a baby, she finally found something that would make me want to move to Denver to be close to her, and it is my cute niece. While I love Boston, and the feeling of home I get in Boston, I sometimes hate being so far away. 

I just liked this giraffe... mostly because it was sitting down
and I have never seen on sit down