Fall Confession

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Hello readers,

I have a confession to make in the past I have been a "negative nelly" about autumn because autumn means winter is coming, but this year I have been enjoying it. The street I live on has lots of trees and they are all changing colors and it is great to be walking and having leaves fall down around you. Last night I was kind of having a "ho-hum" day and as I was walking a bit of breeze hit and leaves fell down. I said "Thank you Lord." It was just a little moment of calm and happiness.

Us waiting for the bus at the airport...
we were so happy to see each other

Also this last weekend my sister and niece came to visit and watching her enjoying the fall--crunching on the leaves, drinking hot chocolate, and every thing else was just made my heart so happy. (Plus just being with my niece makes me happy).

Walking through the Gardens

Visiting Mrs. Mallard
"Make Way for Ducklings"

Enjoying the sun... playing on the Greenway

I had a great stay-cation and I love showing off this city that I love so much.

Also I think right now God is teaching me to live in the present and enjoy it, not just to keep thinking about the future. I am going to enjoy this fall (even with the knowledge that winter is coming) and be thankful for the present.

This will be hard because I know I spend a lot of time thinking of the future, I have a weird nostalgia about the future thinking things will be better or that things will make sense. But I have to remember God is preparing and molding me now for what He has for me. So NOW my focus should be to learn what He wants from me in the present and not be so focused on what is beyond my control.

Hope you guys have a great fall!

All three of us enjoying the sun. 

Figuring some things out...

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Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds

Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)

We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

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Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.

old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"

Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

just a little update...

Loyal Readers,

my cousin and I doing an art project at our
family reunion in July

Sorry it has been close to a month since I posted... the move, getting settled, and started classes has really taken up my mind. But I thought I would write this quick update so you don't think I have fallen off the face of the earth.

I have moved into my new apartment and now I just trying to make it feel like home. I live with 2 other girls. One I know through my church and we both work with the kids at the nursery, which is how I learned of this living situation. The other is a friend of the first as they used to go to church together. Anyway we are settling in. I know I am not the most sociable person, I don't want to be mean but it is hard for me to talk to people (yes I'd rather write this blog sometimes then actually talk to someone). I am okay with people I know but even sometimes that is hard for me (I over think way too much). So moving in with 2 almost strangers has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. In my last apartment it was just two bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom (no living room), so in my last apartment it was easy to hide in my room. Now I have living room and eating area so while it is easier for me to hide in my room, I want to be social so I do sit in the living room even if it is awkward. My therapist and friend challenged me to be social and not just let this year pass by without making a connection.

I haven't started yet (officially) but I have my internship for this semester at the Harvard Art Museum Archives. I will be working as a Reference Archivist, which is what I want to do in the long run because I can interact with people and help them with their research. I actually love doing research and want to be able to help others. I am right now waiting for Harvard to approve of my paperwork.

Besides doing my internship I am also taking a children's librarian and literature class. I know it is totally not in my field but I love working with children so I was interested in this class. Plus my friend who was in the program and my adviser said it was a good class. I feel I am learning a lot. The people in my class are so passionate about the topic and I feel like a fly on the wall just absorbing all the information.

Right now my life is kind of slow since I have 1 class only on Mondays and my internship hasn't officially started. But I know soon the craziness of school will hit me. So I am trying to be intentional about my prayer time. I will hopefully graduate in May after the completion of my thesis, then I have no idea what is going to happen. Last semester really burned me out so I have been wondering if Library and Archives is where God wants me to be. Also I have been wondering if I should continue to live in Boston, I am beginning my 9th year of living here and as much as it is home I am feeling kind of disconnected from it. So I have no idea where I will be a year from now. I know God right now is pushing me to get out of my comfort zone... right now that looks like talking to be people even when it feels uncomfortable, be willing to be more vulnerable (not just on my blog), and experiencing God's freedom from over thinking... for me this is harder than it sounds.

Yep... just showing off my niece
because she is adorable 

The next big news is that my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited! My sister hasn't been here for a couple of years and this is my niece's first visit to Boston. If you have any suggestion what to do with a 3 year old on a budget let me know.

Other post about life updates... (from over the summer)
Life Update
Changes are a comin'

Outside of school, work and spiritual things, during my move I became quite addicted to Parks and Rec. I watched the first season when it was on but I didn't like it. Now at many friends recommendations I watched it again. I watched season 5 and fell in love with Ben and the Leslie story line so I want back and watched season 3 and 4. It is not hard for this hopeful romantic to fall in love with a love story but Leslie and Ben have become one of my favorite TV couples. I have LITERALLY never been so excited for a show to come back on.

The great couple in action
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Discovering my Mountain

Dear Anne, 

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I have just finished my 3 part blog posting on "Not Forsaken". If you have not read them I hope you will because otherwise this letter will not make a lot of sense. At the bottom of the 3rd post I wrote about how my friend keeps telling of me of a mountain that when God has something he wants to teach us and we ignore Him we will circle around a mountain but never actually able to climb it. As beautiful as I think mountains are I have never been an outdoorsy person. So I apologize ahead of time if I lose the analogy. 

Anyway, the idea of this mountain and circling around it comes from the Old Testament, the story of the Israelite's and their wandering through the desert as they wait to enter the promise land. (Sorry I am also not a big Old Testament scholar so forgive me if I miss quote something). But the Israelite's are lead out of Egypt (and their slavery) by Moses and Aaron and very soon after entering the desert they begin to complain and grumble about how God has abandon them. First they decide to build an altar and make an idol and say that Baal (the golden calf) brought them out of the Egypt. Then at one time they want to return back to Egypt and go back to their harsh life of slavery as they think it will be better than their lives in the desert with God. Because they are not following God they are left to wander the desert. But God has not abandoned them. It is written that a cloud of smoke by day and fire by night lead them (Deuteronomy 1:32,33). Even with having God's presence they still grumble and did not always trust in God. Before I go criticizing the Israelites I should stop, how many time have I grumbled and not trusted God? And so many times when I read the Old Testament I realize I am much like the Isrealites.  I may not have God's presence like a cloud of smoke but I definitely have God's presence in my life. So let me move on...

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As I was working on my 3 post for "Not forsaken" and reflecting on all my post I have already written I discovered something. As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

how I imagine letting go
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I will admit that I have a fear of not being "good enough." So sometimes I feel I have to watch every step to make sure I am being "perfect" (even though I know perfection cannot be reached). I fear that I am not "good enough" people will see me as the wreck (I feel I often am) and they will stop loving me. So when I think things are going bad in my life, I try to take control in the situation, and fix myself. Though when I try to take control of the situation I slip, I fall and world seems even worse off than when I started. I know it is because I have pushed God away because I want control. So I go around the mountain again. I feel this is a constant pattern in my life. But I am going to change it... so I can go up the mountain and experience all of God's goodness and grace.

As I said I am not an outdoorsy person so I don't really know how to climb a mountain. In fact the last time I climbed a mountain was almost 6 years ago and there was a marked path and I had a group of friends and leaders. While I have no marked path here, I know I have God. I have friends and I have lots of people who speak great truth in my life. 

So I hope to learn how to climb this mountain. 

-Blaire

Not forsaken pt. 3ish

As I was writing my Not Forsaken blog post I was reminded of some other post I feel I have written on much the same topic. So I wanted to high light them because faith is a constant journey. Pictures and previews below...Happy Reading!

A Page from my Diary 

I can't keep it bottled up inside any more.

I am burnt out.

In my life I have wanted to be many things

but my heart has only wanted to be two things

a wife and a mother.

I have placed so much time and energy thinking and dreaming about those two things

I lose my focus.

Letting Go of the "but"

A few hours ago I got back from a wonderful retreat and I come back with one BIG take away. I have written many times on this blog that I have wanted to be a wife and mother but that feels very  far away from distant from me. For awhile I walked around a little depressed because I thought if that is the purpose of my life why is it not happening. Then I wondered is this really God's desire? So I began praying "Lord please change my desires if they are not yours" quickly followed by "but I really want to be a wife and mother." Up until this weekend I thought this was a good prayer. I mean I couldn't lie to God and pretend that I didn't want my desires but I knew His desires were more important so I thought this prayer was a good compromise. 

Delight yourself in the Lord

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

-Psalm 37:4

I know that verse is used a lot. At first reading it should seem like that God should give you whatever you desire/want. So many times we do not get what we want. Does that mean this verse is a lie? No. I think this verse tells us there is a process (a process I am still learning).

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart- Jeremiah 29:13. The most important part in these verses is the Lord. When we seek God with all our hearts, we will find God. When we delight ourselves in the Lord that is when we get the desires of our hearts. Often times I pray "I want this and I want that" and when I don't get I give up and usually pout and complain. That is not where prayer should stop. 

Hope is an act of waiting

Hope is an interesting word. In church and in the bible we are told to hope in the Lord. I have long to struggled with the idea what this idea truly means. When I was in my most serious relationship I knew what it was like to hope in our relationship and hoped that one day we would get marry. But that did not work out and when we broke up I felt like I had lost all hope. 

I press on towards the goal

I have been going through a study in the Bible on the word hope. Before this study I knew what it was like to hope for a good grade; I knew what it was like to hope for/in a relationship; but I never knew what it meant to "Hope in the Lord" (a phrase often used in church). I got to hear my friend talk about what she was going through and she said the phrase "God wants our best in life so we don't need to fear that things will work out." Our best does not mean financial prosperity or happiness all the time but it does mean God's will being done perfectly through us. From the time she mentioned that to now (and on going) my perspective on the word HOPE has changed. More on this in my Hope is an Act of Waiting post. During my quiet time my study came across this scripture...

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me

heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

-Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV, 1984)

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You know it is interesting. My friend keeps talking about how when God is trying to to teach us something and we ignore Him, He will let us have our own way for awhile (a month, a year, tens years, whatever) but we will keep circling the mountain. We will go around the mountain and we won't really be able to climb up the mountain and experience all his greatness... I think this my mountain. Hope is my mountain. I have written about hope and the future so much but I have yet to grasp what it really means to Hope in the Lord. I keep underestimating his grace and what He has in store for my. I can see my mountain now I just need to learn how to climb it. 

In my post "A thought for Thursday" I wrote "And the roads to get up those mountains are loopy and sometimes you may not be able to see where you are going. But isn't that what makes life fun... the unknown?"  I am not so good at embracing the unknown and right now I feel my life is a lot of unknowns. And not to sound all preachy, but I know God is here to take me through all the valleys and hill tops and He has promised never to forsake me.

Faithful

By: Brooke Fraser

Not forsaken pt. 1

#Notforsaken

Have you ever heard something that even though it wasn't directed at you, you feel it is meant directed at you. Well this Sunday I had that moment. My church had a sermon today on the words Jesus cries out on the cross: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46 or Mark 15:14)

I know on this blog I  have spoken about some of the harder times I am going through right now in my life and I have often wondered "why is this happening to me?", "why am I going through this pain?",  "what is this all for?".

Before I get to the sermon (part 2). I have wanted to share this prayer I wrote the other day... then I will get to the sermon (and I will explain the picture).

Read Psalm 88

Dear Lord, 

I know you have not rejected me or left me in a pit. You are here with me. You have have not hidden yourself from me. I have turned from you. I have pushed you out so far I cannot feel you. Oh Lord my God I know you will not abandon me. I know you hold me close. Lord, I am suffering and I feel my world is falling apart and I can't get anything right... Lord, I am sorry for my doubts. Oh Lord as much as I know your ways are perfect and as much I know your for me. Lord I felt you placed certain desires in my life and those desires are so far from me. Lord and the thought that they may not come has left me in this pit of questioning the point of my life. Lord, I know you make no mistakes, you created me almost 27 years ago for a reason. you had a design and a goal for my life but I have no clue what that is... Lord and having no clue has left wandering and feeling helpless. Lord in all this I have pushed you out. I have pushed you far away from me. I have taken all these negatives and tried to fix them on my own... I keep thinking I can fix things but I am so far from able. Lord I need you.

Lord I need your light and your presence to guide my feet. I need strength to hold on to me when I am weak. Lord I need your love to remind me I am not alone. All those aspects you have in abundance. Oh Lord my God save me. I do not want  to walk through pain. Lord my God, save me from my doubts, save me from my loneliness. Lord you are perfect. Shape me and mold me. 

Lord thank you for all the blessings you have given me. Thank you for all the support and love you have given me. Lord I know I am not ever truly alone. 

Amen

God is Near

By: Rend Collective Experiment 

I have been listening to this song a lot and it is a great reminder of how God will never leave me.

Delight yourself in the Lord

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It is another cloudy day in Boston and on cloudy days there is nothing I love more than sitting on my bed, sipping on coffee and getting some writing done. I find cloudy/rainy days to be so inspiring. Fortunately today my morning class was cancelled so I could sleep in a bit and then wake up slowly, do my quiet time, and now sit here and write this post. 

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

-Psalm 37:4

I know that verse is used a lot. At first reading it should seem like that God should give you whatever you desire/want. So many times we do not get what we want. Does that mean this verse is a lie? No. I think this verse tells us there is a process (a process I am still learning).

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart- Jeremiah 29:13. The most important part in these verses is the Lord. When we seek God with all our hearts, we will find God. When we delight ourselves in the Lord that is when we get the desires of our hearts. Often times I pray "I want this and I want that" and when I don't get I give up and usually pout and complain. That is not where prayer should stop. 

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I have written about this in other posts that this summer that I heard the phrase "God always has the best for me in mind" and this has really changed my thinking. I know God has the best for me, but what is my best? It is His best. This means I won't always get my way and I won't always get what I want but at the end of the day His best will come through (if I follow Him) and it will be better than I ever could imagine. My best is not wealth, success, or a comfortable life; it is His will being done through me. 

Right now, I still have about a year and half till I finish school and then I don't know what is going to happen after I graduate. So I am not going to wait until the last minute to pray to God for His decision I am beginning to pray right now. I have told God countless times what I want, so I don't need to lay that out any more because he knows. What I am asking Him now that if my desires don't match His desires that He changes my heart. Then I ask if my desires do match His desires that He gives me patience to wait in Him. Then I realized it is not just about being patient, I want God to use this time to prepare my heart and mind for what is next. I know God is using this time that I am single and in school to prepare me for what is next in my life... whatever that may be.

Delight yourself in the Lord  I think really means putting what He wants for/from me as my first goal. I am still learning what that means. The more I put His desires first the more my heart will change; then my desires will completely line up with His desires; and that is when I will get the desires of my heart. This is a process and will always be a process because we are more inclined to seek after what we want instead of submitting to God for what he wants.

I know this post might seem like a lot of rambling, and it is a bit, mostly because I am still figuring out what all this means. But there are two things I want to express in this post that I am learning: first God has provided everything I need for this moment, if He hasn't given it to me then I don't need it; second it is not about what I want it is about what He want for/from me.

I read this today in my quiet time, I had highlighted it years ago but I loved how true it was for all what I am praying about...

 I’ll make them of one mind and heart, always honoring me, so that they can live good and whole lives, they and their children after them. What’s more, I’ll make a covenant with them that will last forever, a covenant to stick with them no matter what, and work for their good. I’ll fill their hearts with a deep respect for me so they’ll not even think of turning away from me.“‘Oh how I’ll rejoice in them! Oh how I’ll delight in doing good things for them! Heart and soul, I’ll plant them in this country and keep them here!’- Jeremiah 32: 39-41 (The Message)

Letting go of the "but"

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Hello Lovely Readers,

A few hours ago I got back from a wonderful retreat and I come back with one BIG take away. I have written many times on this blog that I have wanted to be a wife and mother but that feels very  far away from distant from me. For awhile I walked around a little depressed because I thought if that is the purpose of my life why is it not happening. Then I wondered is this really God's desire? So I began praying "Lord please change my desires if they are not yours" quickly followed by "but I really want to be a wife and mother." Up until this weekend I thought this was a good prayer. I mean I couldn't lie to God and pretend that I didn't want my desires but I knew His desires were more important so I thought this prayer was a good compromise. 

This weekend during one of my prayer times I wrote...

Dear Lord, 

I don't know why I am sulking over the thing I don't have. Lord as much as I want to be a wife and mother I am not there yet, I am not sure when (or if) it will happen. Lord I am fine being single but I feel I am missing something. Lord I know you are he only one that can fill that spot. So Lord I to change me. Search me and find what I need to change. Lord if marriage and motherhood is not your desire please change my desires, not but this time. 

Match my desires to yours. I know day in and day out I know may not work will perfectly, but at the end of the day I want your desires to be mine. So Lord what you desire in my life? 

You know my heart, you know brain, I don't need to list what I want, you know that. So Lord help my wants line up to your wants.

Then this morning I wrote...

I am sick of that feeling where I am missing something. Lord it is just not true. I need to cling to the knowledge you (Lord) have given me all I need. There might be more I want but Lord if those wants line up with your wants then I know they will work out in your timing. But Lord right now I need to cling to the knowledge you are providing everything I need. 

...

Lord you know all my wants and desires, you them all. I have spent countless hours, and 100s of pages tell you what I want. I feel that is selfish because I have never once asked you what do you truly want in my life. I have never asked what you desire. So Lord what do you want in my life? What do you desire?

I then sat quietly and waited for a bit. While, it would have been cool/weird if God spoke in that moment and told me what he wanted; that didn't happen. This will be a continuous on going prayer. However, I think it is the first step in actually getting to the heart of what God desires. When I not only verbally let go of the clause and actually let go of it (in my heart and mind) then God will direct me to where he wants me. So right now I am letting go of the "but". 

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith,

having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience

and having our bodies washed with pure water. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for he who promised is faithful. 

-Hebrews 10:22-23 (NIV)

View from the home of our retreat. 

Ugly Betty is my Hero

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Since school has ended I have become obsessed with the show Ugly Betty. I don't know how I missed it when it was originally on TV because it is the kind of TV I love, a mix of over dramatics, a great sense of humor and at the end of the show a heroine any girl should look up to. Very basic plot Betty Saurez who is not the typical beauty with her big glasses, her braces, and her own sense of fashion. Betty works at a high end, trendy fashion magazine where she is the assistant to the Editor-in-Chief, Daniel Meade, and dreams of one day being an editor and having her magazine. Basically she does not fit into this world of high end fashion and her "friends" Marc and Amanda frequently tease her for her fashion and her "large" size. 

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So why is Betty my hero? Well that is easy in a world where she is teased constantly and pushed around she always has an up-beat, go getter attitude, and she always the gentle heart person you can't help but love. She doesn't let the negativity of the world get to her and no matter what she keeps pushing through. I love that she doesn't get absorbed into the fashion world and she still stands on her own two feet. She has dreams and pursues them with a great passion.

Even though she does not always fit into the world around her she makes friends, Christina, a true friend who helps Betty through the world of Mode. Amanda and Marc who have a love/hate relationship with her but at the end of the show are her dear friends. Also through the show she has five love interest. Walter, who is safe and secure but Betty realizes she wants more than her safe and secure life. Then comes Henry, who is an accountant of Mode, the cute adorable geek, who is the love of Betty's life.

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Like any melodramatic show, the producers will not let the pair of lovers come together with out a few trials one being a pregnant ex-girl friend, the other being a more daring love interest Gio. So Betty and Henry come together then fall apart and then he comes back during critical moments, or what is known in the TV world "sweeps". The next love interest is Matt Hartley, who are cute together, can never work things out and eventually he moves to Africa.

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But then comes Daniel. Through out the seasons, Betty and Daniel have some tender moments, the producers don't make this plot line a "will they or won't they." Daniel starts off the show as a womanizer and while he has swings of wanting to settle down he frequently goes back to his womanizing ways when things go bad in his life. Also Betty is so different then his typical woman I think it takes him awhile to see the beautiful woman she truly is. 

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While Betty does ultimately get a physical make over, her spirit and passion stay the same and that is what I love about her. 

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This post has been a lot about her love interest, and while that helps good TV, it is not those story lines that make Betty a hero of mine it is her view on life. She doesn't let the negativity of the world get her down, she makes mistakes and sometimes she gets her priorities messed up but at then end of it she still the go-getter Betty which is what I loved about her.

As I was thinking about this post, I was watching the last season on YouTube. There is this episode  "All the world's a stage" where Betty is dating this play-write but they have to hide their relationship. At the end of it she is kind of down on herself, she feels like she is the dork with glasses and braces. She has that her identity and all the negative connotations that go a long with it. In this moment she can't even see herself as beautiful.

Go to minute 4 and watch her and her sister's conversation.

It is a nice moment. To see this positive up-beat girl have a really tender moment where she admits her fear of being "ugly" but she wants to change her view point not only on the world around her but also on her own life. 

I think what I got most out of Ugly Betty was not to let the negative things in your life get you down you have to still go after your dreams. Then to realize if the negativity is coming from with in you have to change your story. (Easier said then done, I know.) Any way if this summer you are looking for a good woman role model look to Betty Saurez. (You can find most episodes on YouTube.)

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Friday's Feature...

My favorite blogger Soundtrack to I do  had a great post last week in which she writes a letter to her future boyfriend/husband that I really loved so I wanted to direct your attention to it.

Dear Mr. Someday,

Since you are a male, and I am a female, there is one thing I know for sure: I am going to confuse you sometimes. Probably a lot. So, I thought I’d give you some pointers, now, ahead of time, to help a brother out. Because it would probably be pretty annoying if I was giving you pointers once we were dating. Plus I won’t want to, because I’m going to want you to magically know how to deal with treat me. Amiright, ladies? Oh sorry Mr. Someday, back to you. So, here’s my list of handy dandy tips, which I may casually print and leave lying around somewhere for you to find one day, when you’re mine. (These are not in order of importance, or any order at all, really.)

to read more click here.

A little reminder

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I have been working on papers most of this weekend but I did have some good and "Fun." moments this week and I promise as soon as I am done with my paper I will post it.

Building barns

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On Wednesday night my bible study and I discussed the verses Luke 12:13-21 it is called the "Parable of the Rich Fool" and in the story the "rich man" has so many crops can't store them all so he decides to tear down his barnes and build new ones. God then calls him out and says "you fool tonight your life will be demanded from you, then who will inherit this." While it is good to work hard, this man seems to only thinks about himself and how he is going to benefit from his work. Growing up in the church I have heard this story a lot. One time I heard a pastor say that if this man had been connected with his community he would have given his extra crop to the poor and would not have stored it up. And while these moral stories are good sometimes they are hard to sink in and after hearing the story a lot it is even harder for the story to make an impact. But then my friend said something to the group... he said "in our own way we all build barnes, we all think, oh if I could just get married, or if I could just have a kid, or if I could just __(fill in the blank)_then it will be just righ" but will it be just right? And how long do we have to we keep striving for "just right"; one day God will call us home and then we won't have time to do all the the things we should have done or we won't have time to do what is most important to us and the world. Sorry not trying to be a Debby Downer.

I just know I fall into the trap of thinking "when I get married or when I have kids my life is going to be all set." I remember with my only serious boyfriend that once we got married everything would be fine, I saw marriage as a finish line, not a start line. Any one who is married knows that. So I will admit foolishly I have been building up my barnes waiting for the day when I become a wife and mother. I enjoy being single, doing whatever I want (within reason) being on my own time schedule and not to sound bad but being a little selfish. But their are times I spend  a lot of time and energy waiting for "my dream" to come true. And sadly I think I sometimes miss out on the great time I am in.

I can't do everything I want to do right now because I am kind of stuck in grad school for the next two years. So maybe right now all I can do is build some potential barnes as I wait for the "real world" but I shouldn't pass up on opprotunities that I can take advantage of. For example this summer I am hoping to go down to Honduras and dig wells with living water. But after grad school I would actually love to take some time work on staff with Living Water, so I can go to Africa or India  with them. But after my trip to Denver, I kind of want to move there so I can be closer to my sister and her growing family. (I am of course still praying about these things).

Basically, we only get one life and we can't waste time waitng for things to be just right.

How are you going to change the world?

When you enter college and even when you graduate college you are (or should be) inspired to change the world. No matter if you are going to solve world hunger, run for president, or if you are like me I wanted to change the world by writing great historical novels. Yep I wanted to change the world by making history more accessible and interesting (geeky to the core).

Soon you graduate and realize you can't change the world... or not as quickly as you thought. But you can still change it. My freshman year RA (resident assistant)  is now the state representative for his home town and district. So see you can make a difference you just have to think about what you want to do.

Found at Think Progress

I am not a politician so I am not saying you have to be in government to change the world. I think my sister and all mom's like her change the world by raising children and nurture them to be the best they can be. There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that is called "One heart beat at a time" that says it better than me...

That you, you are changing the world
one little heartbeat at a time

Making history with every touch and every smile

Oh you, you may not see it now

but I believe that time will tell

how you, you are changing the world

one little heartbeat at a time

I am not a mom but one day I would like to change the world in such a way. Right now I see my work at my church nursery as helping change the world because I help children know they are loved, they are special and when ever I can I like encouraging their imagination. 

I don't believe your job has to be they way you change the world it could be a hobby, past time or an interest that could make the biggest impact. I write this blog, sometimes hoping that something I say would resonate with people and maybe change the way they think about an issue. I also write it and through writing the post I change my out look on the situation. This may not change the world but I would like to think my life effects the people around me and if I change my out look maybe my opinions can ripple on to some one's life and then it ripples on to another person... and so on and so on. (Maybe I am just too idealistic.)

That was a long tangent to get to here... what I wanted to say. I was talking to a friend last night and he didn't seem that happy about his job. I asked what did he want to do? It seems like a basic question but every one rather they graduated college or not thinks "I would like to do this____(fill in blank)_____ for the rest of my life"  and I think the best thing to do is go out and pursue it. Now obviously I didn't encourage him to quit his job and pursue a dream of becoming a rock and roll star. I told him to maybe look for another job while he is still working. The job he wants would take more education so I told him (maybe bluntly) he should take classes while working, I am doing it. But one doesn't have to go to a fancy university to take classes one can go to a community college, places like University of Phoenix, or even random classes at a community center.

I just think the most important thing is to find something you want to do and do it.

I may not always like school and I get worn out but I love the fact that I am pursuing a dream of mine.

So to bring this post to conclusion I think we all have something in us (a passion or desire) that can help change the world, even if the world you change is your own little corner. We just have to pursue it. So pursue your dreams and that will change the world.

A little road mapping

I will admit I look back at my life a lot. I am sure a lot of us do. Sometimes we look back and we see happy times with family and loved ones. Sometimes we see pain heart breaks and challenges. I think we can all agree that that is the mix of life. I know many times I look back over my life (which hasn't been that long) and see things that didn't make sense in the present but now I know they have made me who I am. For example when I was 10 my Nana passed away. She was the first death I ever really experienced and I wasn't happy that she was gone but with in a year of her passing away my mom moved us out to the west coast. My mom made me repeat the 5th grade, all these events I didn't understand but now I see how shaping they were. If I hadn't moved to the west coast, I don't know if I would have ever been brave enough to move myself to the east coast, and it is here I have found my own little home. And living on the west coast where people didn't know me my whole life most people assumed my pesky speech impediment was an accent, and I no longer got teased for it. After my repeat of the 5th grade my grades got better and I took some time to just get in the flow of it. Also my 5th grade year I had an awesome teacher, Mr. Bacon, who besides my parents encouraged me to write. But in the moment my Nana's death, the move, the repeating 5th grade none of it made sense... but I think how puzzle pieces fit together to make me me.

I don't know about you but sometimes I look back and I can only see the mistakes I have made and I hold on to those tighter than I hold on to my accomplishments. I know there are a lot of motivational quotes that say don't let mistakes define you but it is hard for me. Even when all the world is telling me "I am good" I feel myself criticizing myself ( I am my worst critic). You might be thinking I am in a low place in my life again, and actually that's not true I am just over thinking things and just writing it out helps.

I had a relationship with a guy, over a year ago, but he was the man I thought I was going to get married to. I have a deep desire to be a wife (as you can probably tell from my other blog posts) so when I thought I was going to marry this guy I put all my hope into that relationship. I felt I gave it my all and when it ended I had nothing left. Now of course I had great friends who held on to me and lifted me up. But it took me a really long time to get over him. And I still work on it but there is a deep part of me that knows I need to move on and a really anxious (anxious because I want to be in love again) that is telling me I want to move on. But some how deeper down I worry... I worry about making the same mistakes all over again, I worry about being crushed all over again. I guess those all factors of life.

As I was writing that last part I remembered the quote "if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love" so I googled it and found out it was from the movie "A Lot Like Love" but as I was googling the quote google was showing me this other quote "If you're not willing to risk it all, then you don't want it bad enough" - Unknown. So maybe I just need the reminder if I want something bad enough I will have to face the idea I will make mistakes (we all do) but I can't hold on to my mistakes I have made in the past. I just need to let them teach me and not define me. 

I looked up the word "risk" on Pinterest and got some interesting quotes, here are my favorites...

So maybe I shouldn't be so timid by my past mistakes and take a little bit of risk... I know the Lord has blessed me so far and not matter what happens next he will use it to shape my future.